Three Strikes and you're...home free!

By: Blogger

Brian Rogers
Rogers Rabbits

In just a few short weeks our new government and Prime Minister have made magnificent progress.

Not only does our new PM Jacinda Ardern know the best way to manage our country, she’s instructing our neighbours how to run Australia, too.

She can now be appointed Prime Minister of Australasia.

This is because of an insistence that the supposed human rights issue on Manus Island is not being well handled by Malcolm Turnbull and his government, so it’s just as well Jacinda is on hand to sort out the mess for them.

Never mind that many of the rioting bad-asses on Manus Island are queue-jumping, law-breaking troublemakers. They have rights, you know.

And we don’t see Mr Turnbull shoving his sticky beak into NZ politics and humanitarian issues.

Of course, there is a humanitarian crisis happening in New Zealand.

The shocking rate at which children are bashed to death in their own homes.

Imagine the uproar if Malcolm Turnbull decided NZ wasn't doing enough about its humanitarian crisis... the horrific level of violent child deaths. So he harassed our government and tried to evacuate all the “at risk” kids to prevent their NZ families and friends from continuing to beat them to death.  

No different to the level of interference that our new PM is inflicting on our neighbours, just five minutes into the job.

Uh oh, fiscal hole

In other news, economists are jumping up and down about the latest projected borrowing of $13 billion extra that the new government will have to embark on, to cover their spend ups.

Does that sound a tad familiar? Wasn’t someone talking about a projected “fiscal hole” of billions recently? The shortfall in Labour’s maths? And was scoffed at?

Isn’t this exactly what Steven Joyce was trying to warn of before the election? Pfffft, what would he know? Our Australasian Prime Minister and her team know better.

Still, I would be surprised if Mr Joyce is suppressing the urge to say “I told you so”.

Not so polite here at RR, so I will say it for him.

Revolving doors

In other other news, New Zealand’s police stations will soon need to have revolving doors fitted.

This is to keep up with the increasing flow of criminals into police stations, thanks to extra police personnel allocated to catch them, and to facilitate their speedy exit from the stations, thanks to the abandonment of the ‘Three Strikes’ policy that has, for seven years, been a deterrent to recidivist crims.

So effective, in fact, only two bad guys are reported to have ever been bold enough to risk it, and be convicted under the Three Strikes scheme. The many other thousands with two strikes, who until now have been trembling in their jandals in fear of being nailed a third time, can rest easy and go about their unrightful criminal business knowing that the government has their back.

And in really busy metropolitan centres, criminals may as well be issued with a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card, to save the cost of transporting them to and from a police station, when in effect they are never really going to be held there. This will save greenhouse emissions, save the country millions and allow thieves, robbers, murderers, buggerers and fraudsters to get back to business fast and efficiently.

Home faster

It will mean that all criminals will now be sent home faster, since all of them will also have homes to go to, because the dastardly foreigners who have previously bought up all the houses before any New Zealanders could get them, have now been banned from buying existing houses.

Even though these non-resident dastardly foreigners only make up three percent of the house-snatching market, it is great to finally have some scape goats for the spiraling house prices and lack of supply that has dogged the nation.

The criminals will know this, because they will be well educated. In fact, their degrees in Criminology and Law will soon be free, thanks to another excellent new government initiative. It is being funded by the generosity of all the already-educated and taxpaying New Zealanders who have shelled out for their own tuition, training and education… plus interest. They don’t mind at all that while they pay off their hefty student loans, they are also being fleeced for the next generation of freeloading students to get it all gratis.

And the good news is, any Manus Island crims can be fast-tracked on the new programme! They can be credited with their first two strikes, so they don’t feel disadvantaged on arrival in NZ, bringing them up to the same criminal classification as good old ordinary Kiwi losers. Welcome to paradise!


Finally, another word of condolence about the unfortunate demise of the Prime Minister’s cat. We fielded a barrage of complaints about our coverage of this in last week’s column. You nearly made me cry. Both of you. Nearly.

Just a point to ponder - if the cat was clever enough to tweet on Twitter, why couldn’t it be taught to look both ways before crossing the road?

A possible answer: The cat only ever looked to the left.