PC socks it to sad, sacked, sexist Santa

By: Rogers Rabbits brian@thesun.co.nz

Brian Rogers
Rogers Rabbits

Political correctness has slain the last bastion of tradition. Santa Claus has been slaughtered by the whingers who believe he’s sexist.

Farmers department store reportedly sacked their Santa because his comments were deemed sexist. Apparently he said the role could only be filled by a man.

It’s a bit perplexing, since common sense tells us that Santa is a man. Always has and always should be. So does history.

The character is based on St Nicholas, and unless he was a trannie, it’s pretty clear Saint Nick was a bloke.

There’s no way this role could be portrayed by a woman - just as you’d never consider a man to play the role of the Virgin Mary in a nativity play (unless it was Mrs Brown, and that would be a twist too far).  This is the tipping point, where the world can officially be declared stark raving mad, and we’ve let it happen.

The only fair way to settle the argument about whether Santa could be a woman or should remain a man is to declare the role gender neutral.

But this raises more questions.

Will the reindeer have to be equally gender selected?

Will Rudolph, renamed Rudolphine, wear more foundation to cover his/her shiny nose?

Does a woman Santa, as she ages, go through menoclaus?

I know a few women who have enough facial hair to be candidates for the Santa role.

So does Paul Henry.

Would Lady Santa make a better world navigator because, unlike Man Santa, she’d use the map?

Other characters threatened

Next, the PC brigade will be tackling a range of other traditional characters.

If St Nicholas can’t identify as male for his day of festivities, neither can St Patrick.

In fact he’s in serious trouble, because the connection to leprechauns is offensive to short people everywhere.

Smokey the Bear will be outlawed as a health risk to children.

He will be referred to as Vapey the Bear.

Then vaping will be the target.

Deep Purple will release a new version of their 1971 one hit, Vape on the Water. It will be performed at five knots within 200m of shore, wearing life vests and hi-viz.

Mars landing

We are so relieved that the Mars landing site has been chosen, and that touchdown was successful. It was worrying that the space people might have picked an unsuitable location, or as the scientists call it, a stink place to land.

One of the aims is to look for ancient signs of life. I guess that might be old fossils, remains of plants or animals, or Keith Richards sitting on the edge of a crater.

Steak out standards

Apparently, New Zilloners have voted and decided there should be some rules around the right way to cook steak. Medium rare has been voted the best.

Much like Helen Clark’s efforts to limit our shower time to two minutes, it will be one of those absurd ideas that many will balk at.

In fact, this could lead to some angry steak eaters tucking in raw, or crucified to a smouldering crisp, just to spite those who seek to make us conform to their ‘standard.’

However, it is probably a great publicity stunt for NZ Beef and Lamb, as any discussion about a product is good publicity, even if it’s silly publicity.

Much like the furore over Santa’s sacking from the Farmers Christmas parade for supposed sexist comments.

What a great way to promote your brand and draw extra attention to the event.

Shite Highway 2

It’s been a while since I banged on about Shite Highway 2, so here goes:

It is dangerous and inefficient. It has been ignored by the government to the point that it’s now a major problem.

The latest knee jerk reaction - suggested slower speed limits for Shite Highway 2 - is a pointless exercise, because the traffic is already choked back to the speed of the slowest common denominator.

It’s a rare occasion that a driver can travel on SH2 at anywhere near the posted speed limit, because there’s no passing lanes, no slow lanes, no opportunity to pass and no opportunity to pull over to let anyone pass. There’s also too much volume for a single lane.

This is a major arterial route and should have been developed as traffic volumes expanded. The only speed you can travel on SH2 is the speed of the slowest vehicle in front of you, which often is 60 or 70km/h or less.

So no amount of “speed limiting” is going to limit motorists any more than the speed that is set by those in front, who either can’t go any faster, don’t want to go any faster, or don’t care how many vehicles are backed up behind; or all of the above. We’re going to keep banging on about this until the government wakes up to its responsibilities to provide a safe and efficient transport access to the north of the country’s fifth-largest city.

Citizens have been protesting long and loud. MP Todd Muller points out that this deadly stretch of road is costing too many lives. National had committed to fund the upgrade of the entire stretch but the Labour-NZ First government cancelled it to put the money into Auckland trams.

Please note, that is trams with an M.

Parting question:

If a vampire bites a zombie, does the zombie become a vampire or does the vampire become a zombie?