Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

This week it's revealed Earthlings are making plans to live on Mars, despite the fact we struggle to make telephones that won't blow up.

The galaxy is clearly not a safe option, while Samsung's version is capable of incinerating your Stubbies.

There's nothing worse than striding down Devonport Road, looking all dapper in your Crocs and muscle shirt, then finding the device in your shorts has spontaneously combusted.

Alexander Graeme Bell would be disgusted to think his invention could have morphed into a portable incendiary device. A walking bomb.

Imagine the classic line, the first words spoken on a telephone 'Mr Watson, come here, I want to see you!” would be followed by 'and bring a fire extinguisher LOL.”

You'd think there would be more important goals for a planet struggling with so many issues. Earthlings should get their own backyard in order before sauntering over to someone else's to make trouble.

World peace would be a good start. And sort out the terrible predicament of Kim Kardashian. It must be awful to lose six million dollars of your favourite jewellery. Crikey, we could rebuild Steve Austin for that sort of money.

By the way, a costume hire company has withdrawn its outfit for bad taste parties, 'Parisian Heist Robbery Victim Costume Kit.” For $69.99, it included a long black wig, white robe, sunglasses, a gag, a rope and a ring.

Critics have accused the hire company of trying to profit from the Kardashian situation.

Hello? Isn't that what the Kardashians have always done? The same costume company also offers a 'Donald the Wall Builder Halloween Costume.”

Pressing issues

And we should solve some of the other pressing issues facing the universe.

The housing crisis. Why build on Mars, when there's a shortage in Auckland. Granted, the red planet is a better neighbourhood with more atmosphere.

We'd be much better to simply fake a Mars colonisation. It worked for the moon landings and everyone is happy. Most of the population believes man landed there, and the rest are satisfied because it gives them a conspiracy theory to believe.

Other things

We also have to sort out whether Daniel Craig is going to be James Bond, or not. It's taking the concept of a secret agent to extremes of secrecy if no-one knows if he is or isn't.

Clowns. I've long maintained they're evil and unnecessary. Just like fireworks, It was mildly entertaining once, back in the days when there was no other entertainment. The time has come to snuff them both out. We can't be colonising Mars while we still have clowns. For starters, their feet won't fit in the spacecraft and red noses aren't going to stand out on a red planet.

The most pressing problem is that Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids. In fact it's cold as hell. And there's no-one there to raise them if you did. That is according to Elton John who was quite confused when he wrote this. But that could be due to the fact that 'all this science I don't understand. It's just my job five days a week.” We have just one response, Elton: Rock it, man.

Pussy galore

Now if only we could convince Trump that the red planet is crawling with pussies and could really do with an obnoxious retard for a leader, we'd solve several issues with a one-way rocket.

Actually, if there's any spare seats, he can take the Kardashians along with him.
Speaking of lewd, the man who witnessed the Aaron Smith dodgy restroom escapade is reported to be regretting he went public. Says he's had a lot of abuse since the story broke.

No kidding! That's what you get when you hang around public toilets make clandestine recordings of the private actions of private individuals.

In fact, this witness is the only one in my view, who has broken any laws. Smith and his lady friend might have pushed the boundaries of common decency and moral conduct, but were quite entitled to be using the bathroom for whatever private business they desired. That's generally what toilets and bathrooms are for. That's why they have doors. So people can do their private business. And while the morally outraged are hurling fire and brimstone, remember that no illegal activity took place, as far as the world knows. The witness, however, made a secret recording of a private conversation… without the knowledge of the parties being recorded. That is illegal.

Not saying that any of you, particularly celebrities in national sporting uniforms, should rush off at every opportunity for a bit of rumpy pumpy beside the dumpy.

Just that people who hang around dressing rooms and bathrooms with recording devices often are charged with some sort of perversion related crime.

It's like the old argument over censorship on television. Anyone outraged by what they see can avoid it quite easily by changing the channel or switching it off.

Same with public bathroom hijinks. You can always walk away. No-one expects you to make an award winning documentary about it.

This recording was not made because someone was outraged at behaviour. It was made because Smith is an All Black. Had he been a Westie doper dragging his slapper ho into the bathroom, no-one would have bothered recording or reporting.

Parting thought

Parting thoughts, from astute reader David: 'My wife asked me to pass the lip balm, I gave her the super glue by mistake. She still isn't talking to me.”

The police apprehended two men. One was drinking battery acid, the other eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

brian@thesun.co.nz

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