Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

I need to tell you about my Super Secret Weight Loss Plan.

So secret, in fact, that not even I knew about it. Which could explain why, after this winter, the Rabbit is weighing heavier than any other time in history.

I have figured it out. The gaining weight is due to a complex process and series of circumstances, involving eating too much…and well, that's it really.

One of the most demoralising aspects of this predicament, is getting up every morning, stepping with fear and trepidation onto the scales, and seeing that I haven't made any progress. Even when I tried it again without the double cheeseburger in one hand and the monster thickshake in the other, it made a depressingly small amount of difference.

But you witness real fear and trepidation when you see the expression on the dial of the scales. That poor appliance senses the vibrations through the bathroom floor as the load approaches. It's quivering like a slice of pepperoni and cheese at a pizza eating contest…clutching its sophisticated internal mechanisms and shuddering as the dial spins dizzly closer to its 100kg maximum limit. I'm not sure what happens if it goes over that. Does anyone know? Perhaps we should ask Mr Dotcom.

Imploding bus drivers

Any time I see a warning sign like that, it just makes me want to push it that far, to find out.

There used to be signs in the school bus warning ‘Do not converse with driver'. It took a few years to figure out what "converse" meant. Really, if they didn't want conversations between freckly eight-year-olds with bad haircuts and the bus driver, they should have written ‘no talking'. Anyway I never did find out what happened if the driver is conversed. Does he self-destruct, like in ‘Mission Impossible'? Or run screaming from the bus down Waihi Rd? Is there a Home for Conversed Bus Drivers somewhere, they're lined up rocking back and forth mumbling to each other about unclipped tickets and frothing at the mouth?

Warning signs

Same issue with the bean slicer. ‘Do not put fingers in opening'. Well we all know how that ends. It was the same decade that Band-Aids were invented. No coincidence there.

Funny that we never saw a warning sign saying ‘Do not pull face during wind change' yet we all knew how that would end. Fortunately, not many kids tried this, only Helen Clark, Patrick Gower and maybe the kid from ‘Mad Magazine'.

Give generously

But back to the weight loss issue.

Once upon a time, a bloke's wetsuit used to serve as a warning sign that the podge was approaching. But these days with the hi-tech fancy stretch neoprenes, they are far too forgiving. Nowadays the only reaction to a lardy middle-aged blob in neoprene is that it scares grandchildren.

How you too can look this good for summer

Anyway, determined to solve the problem of the depressing morning trip to the bathroom scales, I moved them to a shelf in the garage where no one can stand on them. Not even accidentally.

And as everyone does these days, I've started a social media fundraiser to help me achieve my weight loss goals. My wife has kindly suggested a Givealittle (Less Food) page. One of my so-called mates says he's right behind this idea and offered to start a Givealittle Less of a Flying F*** about my weight, just buy another round of beers.

So I've taken some decisive action on all this, before my doctor finds about it and weighs in with an order. The weight, that is, not the last round of beers

So far it's going well. I'm eating dessert with a smaller spoon. Cutting down the number of ice cubes in my Dark N Stormy. Fast-forwarding through the food ads while watching the fishing shows. Imbibing ‘lite' beers in aluminium cans instead of glass bottles. Using a longer dog leash; sometimes I even go with the dog.

Fatal consequences

Whatever you decide to do about your weight, don't allow anyone to nag you. That isn't healthy for either party.

As one bloke revealed recently, his doctor had been nagging him for years, saying unless he gave up smoking, it would have fatal consequences. Every year the doctor nagged and sure enough, that doctor eventually died.

So there's a warning about nagging, he said. Same thing had happened to his wife.

Tell us your best weight loss tips. The three best will win chocolate. Email brian@thesun.co.nz or write your entry on the top of a box of a large meatlovers' pizza with extra cheese and have it delivered hot and fresh to 1 The Strand, attention of the Rotund Rabbit.

brian@thesun.co.nz