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Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz |
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Shocking new evidence this week suggests that expansion of the universe is not accelerating.
Most of our readers have been experiencing sleepless nights, worrying about the rate of the universe's expansion, so this will come as some welcome relief for many of you. That, along with the news that Justin Timberlake voted, will make everyone feel better. Anyway, new research calls into question some deeply held beliefs about the current cosmic situation, according to the people from Oxford. And they know their stuff. For starters, they make good dictionaries and turned out some sturdy caravans last century. Another bunch of researchers reckon abnormalities in light coming from a couple of stars is a sign that aliens are signalling us.
They're copping a bit of flak from the astronomy fraternity, who say it's just a glitch. Possibly it's Morse Code, reading: 'Please not Trump” or 'Hilary? Seriously?” One thing is for sure, the aliens will not want to communicate much longer when they see the emerging new leadership of the Earth's most powerful nation.
The following information came on the email machine has been around in various versions over the years, but seems particularly pertinent now:
A message from the Queen
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter ‘U' will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour', ‘favour', ‘labour' and ‘neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut' without skipping half of the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize' will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up ‘vocabulary').
2. Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like' and ‘you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the einstated letter ‘u' and the elimination of ‘-ize'.
Resolving issues
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
Roundabouts, petrol price
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
English characters
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialect in ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.