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Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz |
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A supermoon is something Dotcom would do at the back window of a bus.
Fortunately it turns out, we're not having that sort of mooning. It's the planetary sort. The supermoon on Tuesday will be closer to the earth than it's been for decades, and won't happen again for more decades. So all the loonies out there will be out in full force. Batten down the hatches, because it also coincides with the USA under new leadership… It's worrying to consider the most powerful nation on earth is ruled by a lunatic in the same week that the moon is concentrating its strongest influence on our planet for many decades. A story on SunLive this week warned that some folk may try to peddle misfortune on the eve of a supermoon: An astrologer warns any fame will come with a certain amount of notoriety, and that the period is good for those who can make a career out of doom and gloom. There are also warnings about the pain that comes with such a sensitive moon seeing many tempted to self-medicate with drink and or drugs, that depression can be a problem, as could a tendency to self-destruction – that some might feel their lives are fated even cursed for the next two weeks. Probably how Mrs Clinton is feeling about now. Life gets better as the moon wanes, apparently.
Important changes ahead
This week let's change the world. The ludicrous situation with birthdays must change. We've had a meeting about this and it's unanimous. A good mate Steve and I have both decided it's crazy for people having a birthday to shout everyone. It should be the other way around. This is all Steve's idea, but I'm going right along with it. He has a lot of good ideas and would be an ideal candidate to run the world, or at least a large collection of States, should they ever run short of likely candidates. (Which it seems they often do.) Apart from the fact Steve is busy running his marine supplies shop, he'd be excellent at running the world, and especially good at organising birthday shout protocol on a worldwide basis. He points out that New Zealand is the only country that does the ‘birthday shout' thing backwards. I'm taking his word on this. I've only ever been in NZ during birthdays, so have no special experience of a birthday offshore. The closest I came was that time when flying across the Pacific on my birthday and crossed the International Date, meaning it was no longer my birthday. But after a short stopover, the plane went back across the dateline so I started birthday celebrations all over again. Two birthdays in one day. Some of you readers with more worldly travel experiences may be able to enlighten us further on what birthday activities happen in other countries. In the meantime, we urge any of you having a birthday after today, to fight back against this injustice. Demand that everyone around you shout. Demand cake. Beverages. Dinner out. And make them pay. It's your birthday, not theirs. Let's change the world, one birthday at a time. Sort out one of New Zealand's most peculiar and irrational cultural oddities. If you have any questions, best ask Steve. And wish him a belated happy birthday for last week. It's not too late to take him cake.
A good tasering
I don't know where the Gisborne Police's missing taser has gone, but I do have a short list of people I'd like to see writhing and twitching on the ground. Such as, the guy who invented the Rubik's Cube. He's a menace. I'd like to see Erno paralysed and squirming helplessly, just like the victims of his cruel hoax. And whoever brought gorse to New Zealand. Probably one of my illustrious Scottish ancestors. You'd have thought they'd be happy with Heather. She's lovely. But no, someone had to bring along that prick as well. Too late now, they're well gone off to the great Biosecurity Containment Facility in the sky. But if they were here today, they'd be on the list of people needing a good tasering. Quade Cooper. For no other reason than we collectively as a nation make a sport of irritating him. Then there's Gareth Morgan, because it's fashionable to pick on rich people. And because he shot into the SunLive page impressions Top Ten this week when our Social Butterfly Correspondent Rosalie Crawford aired a quirky video of Gareth, explaining that he doesn't actually hate cats, and owns two. That story and video was viewed several hundred thousand times. Which proves that Gareth stories and cat videos are winners online. Put the two together, and you've got mega page impressions. All we need now is to weave Phil Rudd from AC/DC, a dash of Kardashian, and the most searched web word, 'porno”… and we'll break the internet. There's a few others on the To-Be-Tasered List, but we'd rather not divulge them all. We'd like it to be a surprise. So if you happen to be that person who has come into possession of the police's 'misplaced” weapon for debilitating offenders, drop me a line and we'll see if we can work something out here.
Parting shot:
Officials are on the lookout for a couple of unwanted pests. NZ is hoping to eradicate the Red-Vented Bulbul. Meanwhile, half of America is hoping to rid itself of the Orange Venting Bullcrapper, If you see either of them, bring out the taser.