There's been quite a lot of comment lately about my body.
I know, the bossman often rolls me over on the mat after dinner, massages my sprawling acres of handsome dog underbelly, and gently croons 'Your Body is a Wonderland.”
Okay, so it might not be as sultry as the MTV version of John Mayer's song, but it certainly hits the spot. You know, the dog G spot. Where the dog says 'gee, that's good” and one hind leg starts uncontrollably scratching wildly at nothing.
It's the canine version of air guitar.
But I digress. The comment about my body has come from those who clearly do not appreciate the finer points of the Labrador physique.
We are meant to be well proportioned. Myself, I am nearly a perfect weight for my height, age and density; compared to a tractor tyre.
Just this week I made my regular trip to the nice vet Gary at Bethlehem and he gave me an A1 rating for health. It must be all those avocados that mysteriously fall off the tree and roll into the doorway of my kennel, forcing me to eat my way clear every morning.
I did have a slight health scare this week however, while helping out some of the Sun newspaper people at lunchtime. One of them was generous enough to leave their sushi container on the deck for me to pre-wash, which I dutifully licked clean.
But how was I to know that the small round ball of leftover green stuff was not avocado, but wasabi?
This usually mild-mannered Labrador was briefly transformed into a fire-breathing, cursing, spluttering lunatic. And they say we don't have taste buds in our mouths! Fortunately, the fish pond was nearby, and provided a welcomed quelling of the fires burning within the jowls. I didn't count the goldfish afterwards, and presume none of them went down the hatch during the frantic slurping. Oh, well, they say you should have wasabi with raw fish. Meanwhile, for those weight conscious readers, a friend recently sent me this foolproof weight loss programme:
The Italian Pasta Diet. It really works!
1… You walk pasta da bakery.
2... You walka pasta da candy store.
3… You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4… You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight! AND....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Now here's some real healthy eating ideas:
Who ya callin' porky?
Pickled Pork with Cider & Raisin Sauce
Ingredients
Pickled Pork:
1 kg pickled pork, rind and fat removed
100g carrots, peeled and sliced
100g onion, peeled and sliced
1 bouquet garni (parsley, thyme, bay leaf in a muslin bag)
4 whole cloves
500 ml dry cider
500 ml water
Sauce
100g seedless raisins
300ml cooking liquor
2 Tbsp brown sugar
2 Tbsp lemon juice
2 tsp cornflour
2 tsp water
Method
Pickled Pork:
1 Weigh pork and calculate cooking time allow 30 minutes per 500g.
2 Place pork, carrots, onion, bouquet garni and cloves in deep saucepan.
3 Add cider and water, bring to the boil, cover and simmer gently for calculated cooking time.
4 Add more water if necessary.
5 Remove pork and reserve cooking liquor.
Sauce
1 Place seedless raisins, cooking liquor, brown sugar and lemon juice in a saucepan.
2 Cover and simmer for 10 minutes.
3 Blend the cornflour and water, stir into the sauce and simmer for a further three minutes.
4 Slice the pork and serve with the sauce.
Livingston Cocktail
4 shots Mount Gay Barbados rum
1 splash orange juice
1 splash tonic water
Mix ingredients over ice and stir, add optional lime.