Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

One thing I've learned in life is that bikinis usually lead to trouble.
That's why I've stopped wearing one. On the outside, at least. However, there are some slow learners out there. Our national airline, for one.

Air Nuzillin landed in a spot of bother with its new airline safety message, featuring ‘Sports Illustrated' swimwear models in bikinis.

Despite the criticism, we think the message is working. I've never taken any notice of the safety messages until those safety devices dropped into view.

Researchers at RR headquarters agreed, one claiming that his tray table has never shot up so fast and another claiming he urgently needed an oxygen mask to drop down from the overhead console.

Another tried on his inflatable lifejacket from under the seat, and despite being told NOT to pull the cord until he left the aircraft, he went off in row 48C. It was a case of premature evacuation.

Here at RR we reckon the airline could have been saved the strife, plus had the job done cheaper, if they'd contracted Schapelle Corby in her new role, as a swimsuit designer.

Because now she's out of jail, the convicted drug smuggler is apparently designing bikinis for sister Mercedes. Interesting, since you'd think Mercedes would look better in a short black dress. However, Schapelle has lined up the design job while she's on parole.

We have some helpful suggestions for her design career.

As a celebrity endorsement of the new designs, perhaps Bevan Chuang could model.

We'd suggest the Mayoral chain bikini. The one that undoes when you pull the Mayoral chain. Len would appreciate that. Plus our own cricketing drunkard Jesse Ryder could do a great job modelling half a bikini. He's made a right tit of himself lately.

Poor Schapelle. She's been the butt of jokes for nearly a decade now. Who knows why this story has been so big. There are 218 other Australians locked up in foreign jails and they aren't getting any publicity.

Back here the jokes are doing the round again. Reminds me of Ewen Gilmour's classic from many years ago. He says he went travelling and was horrified to find that someone had stashed a boogie board in his dope bag.

Finally the politicians have got back to doing what they do best. Calling each other names.

Mr Key has been just too polite in his terms at the top; he's forgotten this most vital part of the PM role – throwing abuse at the others.

We don't condone this sort of behaviour – we insist on it.

Mindless columns such as this struggle to survive when politicians do what National have done for the last few years – being polite and getting on with the job.
Now finally, they're getting into the swing of it, but it's taken them years to get the job right!

Calling Cunliffe an idiot hopefully is the start of some decent insulting, not just a one-off aberration.

Some of the best insults came from the Muldoon and Lange eras.

Muldoon described Opposition Leader Bill Rowling as a shiver looking for a spine to run up. And Michael Bassett was called the only man in the House who could eat a banana sideways.

Lange on Muldoon: I wouldn't call the Prime Minister gutless. That's all that's left of him.

Ah those were the golden years, when politicians weren't afraid to let it sling. It all changed with Ms Clark and the PC brigade; then Nice John. The entertainment has fallen horribly flat. Even Winston isn't up to standard these days. Let's hope they can muster some mongrel and get on with what they were elected to do: give some quality mudslinging entertainment.

Parting shot: