Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

This edition of Rogers Rabbits is brought to you by the digits: thumb and forefinger; and the letters F###.

This is because the Rabbit has been fully engrossed in some renovation and construction projects in the last week.

And before you know-alls start making cliched jokes about hitting my thumb with the hammer, let me put the record straight by declaring that at no time did the hammer strike the thumb.

The damage was done by the door jamb. Now we know why they call it that.

Only a complete amateur would hit his thumb with the hammer. I have, however, managed to strike a kneecap, shoulder blade, a passing cockroach, light socket; and thumped a hole clean through a tin of very old paint. That could be the start of my abstract art career.

There's been a whole heap of building talk picked up from the professional builder blokes this week.

Cracking the code
If you've ever wondered what language they are speaking, I can tell you it's a sort of pidgin English, a secret code. I discovered there's a Building Code; and once you've cracked it, you can talk with any builder on, more or less, a level. Which, is another building term we've cracked. And speaking of cracked, be very careful mentioning cracks around builders. There are two types of cracks on building sites, and neither of them are pretty.

So the first word we learned from The Building Code was 'impossible”.

According to the secret code, it's impossible to get what you want, with the materials you have, in the time required. As for doing it for the price you had in mind… there's another term for that: 'Effing impossible”.

Approaching the task of constructing a simple shed, we were astounded to learn some other new terms. In addition to the tin piece on the top (roof) and four walls, there's a sixth wall, which goes on the ground. Sometimes called the 'floor”.

Apparently this holds everything up and should be built first. This is contrary to my ideal approach, which would be to work from the top down, as that is how a news story is constructed. Apparently not in the building trade.

And you'd think the walls would be built after the floor, but no. We take a shortcut here and build a roof. It sort of stands on these bits of wood, known in the Building Code as ‘sticks'. Actually I made that up, they're studs or nogs or scroggin, or some other complicated term which sounds more like a racist slur. So we'll stick with sticks.

Then once the floor and roof are miraculously linked in mid-air, the gaps known as walls are filled in, around the middles.

There you have it. The Building Code explained, from the top down.

The other project involved the rejuvenation of the Rabbit's old boatshed into an office, which has entailed replacing virtually everything between the floors and the roof, including the weevils and the borer. They all had to go, to make way for more modern pests.

At this stage I should mention that the RR boatshed office is on the scrounge for free or cheap aluminium joinery, and a second-hand or budget kitchen units and top. If you just happen to have one or two kicking around and need to clear some room in your place, give me a shout, (07 578 0030).

Seriously, if you have any joinery going spare, I would be happy to collect; or send someone around who still has their digits and kneecaps, to pick it up.

We also use broad-minded borer and weevils, the ones that don't mind listening to a bit of coarse language and can handle the odd crack.

Pushing the boat out
Overheard a funny comment this week, a couple debating whether it was a good idea to have a gondolier up the Mount.

I pointed out that it would be mighty hard poling to get that boat up the hill, but the ride down the other side would be spectacular. It's just an idea (Rogers pushing the boat out here), but we could become the Venice of the South Pacific, only with better pizza and
fatter mosquitoes.

Possibly these people meant gondola, but who knows. We don't need either.

Gondola up the Mount: 'It might work, if we take a good run at it.”

We reckon the Mount is pretty fine as it is, and a fair swag of the population, including the iwi owners, think the same. Walk up it or around it, get some exercise, fresh air and enjoy the relatively unspoiled beauty of the hill and the view.

The Bay is an amazing place to live and visit, as indicated by growth in the cruise ship business, up 12 per cent on last year.

According to our tourism boss Rhys Arrowsmith, that's 25,000 more crew and passengers and a $45m boost into the local economy.

Hardly need a gondolier, eh?

brian@thesun.co.nz