I experienced immense pain in my nether regions when the boss told me about the ‘plonker' in Auckland spit-roasting his pawed companion.

Bloody hell, I know the food banks in ‘Jaffa land' get a working over, but just because their beaches are septic, which does not surprise me as most ‘jaffas' are septic; except for the round chocolate ones of course, does not mean man's best friend needs to be char-grilled. Go down to the local store and get a bone. Just because this barbaric act may be legal in the islands, where the local mutts are so thin you would have to put five of them in the pit to get a decent snack, does not mean you can get away with it here. This kind of dastardly act belongs in the realm of a dark afterlife.
Speaking of the afterlife, it has been a little quiet in my kennel down on the Strand because my little ‘cuzz', Ady, has been in the South Island. If you have experienced a blip in your power supply, it was probably her gnawing on the Cook Straight cable. She is back now though, so the peace has ended and the bosses apprentice was last seen putting all his edible electric controls, cell phones included, out of her reach. I'm sure I was not like that all those years ago – the boss has just choked. Well, maybe a little.
On to all things large now; get down to my mate Johnny's butcher shop in Gate Pa, enjoy price reductions this week and give him a stir up from me.

'Chicken Cordon Bleu'

Ingredients
6 skinless, boneless chicken breast
halves
6 slices Swiss cheese
6 slices ham
25g all-purpose flour
2g paprika
85g butter
120ml dry white wine
2g chicken bouillon granules
8g cornstarch
235ml heavy whipping cream

Method
Pound chicken breasts to half-inch thickness. Place a cheese and ham slice on each breast within 1/2 inch of the edges. Fold the edges of the chicken over the filling, and secure with toothpicks. Mix the flour and paprika in a small bowl, and coat the chicken pieces.
Heat the butter in a large skillet over medium-high heat, and cook the chicken until browned on all sides. Add the wine and bouillon. Reduce heat to low, cover, and simmer for 30 minutes, until chicken is no longer pink and juices run clear.
Remove the toothpicks, and transfer the breasts to a warm platter. Blend the cornstarch with the cream in a small bowl, and whisk slowly into the skillet. Cook, stirring until thickened, and pour over the chicken. Serve warm.

'Apple sour'

Ingredients
1 ½ oz bourbon
1 ¼ oz apple juice
¾ oz triple sec
¼ oz lemon juice
2 dashed orange bitters

Method
Pour ingredients into a cocktail shaker with ice cubes. Shake well and strain into an old-fashioned glass over ice.
Well that's all from me this week, I'm off to shake Ady off my tail. See you all next week and remember, do it to them before they do it to you.