It's tough writing this column. You people have no idea how hard it can be.

You think its all beer and skittles, but in reality, sometimes we don't have the skittles. You try writing this after a couple of Grolschs and no skittles. Even try saying Grolschs after a couple of Grolschs.
Sometime in the future, it's possible that there may be no beer either, which could be devastating for all concerned, especially the breweries.
Throw in a broke-down truck and a sick dog and we'd have enough material for a country song.
Oftentimes, people say writing a weekly column must be a bed of roses. Have you ever tried sleeping on those thorny little bastards?
Then there's the well-meaning folk who ask: 'How do you come up with ideas every week?” Well, most of the time, I don't. That's why you're reading such tripe now! It's virtually impossible to have an original thought every week. Sometimes there's a wait of months for an original thought, which is why YOU PEOPLE need to help out a little more. Fortunately, some community-minded citizens below have done just that.
Crikey, spare a thought for the impoverished of mind here. Send me an email. Anything will do. Send your shopping list, for instance. The warranty on your toaster. Copy and paste the inside of a Hallmark card. It doesn't have to be brilliant prose, anything slightly more intelligent than the disclaimer in the front of the phone book qualifies for a prize here.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
if Rogers doesn't deliver,
this column's in the pooh.

There's a column on page two in the Sun
every week it has to be done
And if he don't
Read it you won't
'Cos Rogers just sat on his behind

Constructive criticism
This writer takes a lot of flak for being outspoken about issues of national importance; such as whether GST should be raised on beer and skittles; whether Jacinda Ardern would win a mud wrestle against Pippa Wetzell; or taking a stance against the slaughter of innocent mangroves.
That can take a heavy toll on a columnist's fragile perception of oneself, damaging to one's self esteem, personal life, prowess at Scrabble and even affect one's ability to parallel park.
For instance, just the other day I was accused by a well-meaning but slightly deranged elderly gentleman of being juvenile, shallow and sarcastic.
I haven't spoken to my brother since.
Then there was the time a woman called me sexist, racist and bigoted. Rubbish of course. Man, did I soon tell the slant-eyed old cow where to go.
I've even been accused of being right wing and dismissive of the lower class. But I didn't take much notice, because it was just some poor person with nothing better to do.
So spare a thought for the columnist in your neighbourhood. They're probably getting a pretty hard time of it about now. They're easy to spot. They're the ones who are a Z short of a zoo and a half-car-width short of the kerb.

Ditch the rubbish!
Fortunately, then, we've had this interesting stuff sent to the RR mailbox. Including this idea from Rob Paterson:
'Your parody on the Pink Dress was very good, well done. It's been a joke with those in the know for a few years now. By now you will probably be aware that I was totally opposed to the Waterfront Museum or for that matter, any ‘over the top' Museum. Like many other people, I would be prepared to accept a modest Museum (Opotiki style) placed at say the Historic Village (Wickham School) site or even have Baycourt converted (there should be a public car park between Harrington & Grandview to help with parking). Have the Art Gallery converted and used as a Museum, as it seems to be more like a deserted Museum anyway. Why not even consider the doomed Mount Cosmopolitan Club buildings which would be ideal, with parking in place which would be a far better option than the ridiculous proposal to smash it down for parking.
Anyway the purpose of my letter is really to reiterate it is about time TCC bit the bullet and got rid of the leased Newton Road storage facilities for Museum ‘artefacts' which I have on good authority from a couple of Councillors (including Bill Faulkner) is 90% rubbish. Simply dispose of it after first offering it back to the donors – you could even have a public auction to recoup storage losses on the basis that one man's crap is another's treasure.
This would save ratepayers $800,000 p.a. It is almost certain that any Museum a la Te Papa style will be a light and sound facility with little displayed if the Art Gallery is anything to go by. Only a small part of even the 10% retained could ever be displayed at one time.”

I tend to agree, Rob. Although we should keep the Pink Dress. It has now reached such iconic status, it probably should be flown from the flag pole on the expressway.
Then a couple of readers sent versions of this, supposedly written by a rig worker off the Taranaki Coast:
I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
In order to earn that pay cheque, I work on a rig for a drilling contractor.
I am required to pass a random urine test, with which I have no problem.
What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare cheque because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
Please understand that I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their (backside) drinking beer and smoking dope.
Could you imagine how much money the government would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a welfare cheque?
Hope you will pass it along, because something has to change in NZ, and soon!

Parting shot, from John:
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.