Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

Hands up all those who thought the native Indian head dress at NZ fashion week was culturally insensitive? I thought so. You are all offensive dressers.

It is time people the world stopped insulting other races, by mimicking their ancestral styles of traditional costume.

There must be no more native Indian headdresses worn, and that includes you, The Village People.

RR is leading the world to finally end the scourge of cultural ignorance, and I expect the Race Relations office to be completely behind me on this.

We have developed this comprehensive list of fashion faux pas that must be avoided:
We declare the colour green out of bounds for anyone to wear, due to it being sacred to my Irish ancestry. We're also reserving the right to maybe add orange as well.

Leather pants are outlawed, as this directly insults our German friends who revere the lederhosen.

Don't think you can ponce around town in your cardie, either. The cardigan is special to the British, after James Brudenell, the 7th Earl of Cardigan and a British Army Major general who led the charge of the Light Brigade at the Battle of Balaclava, started a fashion trend for a buttoned wool sweater, based loosely on his knitted woollen waistcoat.

And speaking of balaclava, we declare bank robbers will no longer be permitted to wear balaclavas in the line of duty, as this is an insult to the wearers of burka.

No one shall be permitted to wear clothing over the head with only a slot for the eyes. (Unless it is made of tin and you are Ned Kelly. Because he was a bad-ass and we don't tell them what to do.)

Sandals are banned. Schools will have to re-think their uniform rules for 2015. This is because the Romans are highly indignant that their traditional footwear has been bastardised the world over, by snotty, spotty school children.

Blue jeans, the origins of the name stemming back to the Italian city of Genoa (Genes being the French word for the city) and its famous cotton corduroy – is clearly offensive to the Italians.

The Americans who hijacked the blue jean industry, thanks to sneaky old Levi, must immediately cease this blatant abuse of a traditional fabric and garment.

Hoodies have clearly been stolen from the monks. They probably found their
communal wine was missing and the dude who ran away in the hoodie is always the prime suspect.

Later they found someone had graffitied the monastery walls and tried to hotwire the donkey.

Beyond fashion

The scourge of cultural insensitivity goes beyond fashion however.

Kayakers are banned from performing eskimo rolls. They must remain upside down in their kayaks until a representative of the Inuits taps on the hull to tell them it's okay to come up again. You can't paddle around willy nilly capsizing, then replicate the rolling manoeuvre that is copyright to their people, without getting permission and paying a royalty.

Swiss rolls are also a no-no. Which raises a question about filled rolls.

But I digress. We must focus on ridding the Earth of any clothing that resembles in any way, any culture's traditional garb.

Skirting the issue

RR headquarters this week is putting the world on notice that women must immediately stop wearing skirts. And any of you men or cross dressers out there who think you can just slip into something that accentuates your hips, think again.

I am invoking my rights as a descendant of Scottish people, that wearing a skirt anywhere means you are taking the proverbial out of my Scottish heritage, and I forbid it.

We of Scottish descent are outraged that half the population of the world could be so insensitive to wear skirts that resemble our ancestors' traditional kilts.

I expect an apology from you and the government, and vast amounts of money as compensation for the hurt your ignorance has caused.

We also ban the use of tartans and check patterns as they are cultural treasures of our ancestors.

This also includes you walking fashion disasters on the golf course, who think you look sharp in a pair of tartan slacks, when in fact you look like a Briscoes picnic blanket on legs.

Finally, a complete ban remains on the cravat. It is permanently outlawed. Not because of any offence to the Croatians or any race, but they are just too crass, end of story.