There's a considerable amount of etiquette involved in properly gate-crashing a picnic.
Labradors of good breeding (and other experienced gluttons) as myself know this. You can't just rock up to the tartan blanket or the chequered table cloth, roll onto the host's lap, ask for the dessert menu and pretend you're their long-lost faithful hound.
Oh no. You have to wheedle your way in slowly but confidently, all the time making it look like an incredible coincidence that they just turned up at the park with copious amounts of good food at ground level, at exactly the same moment you turned up with copious amounts of surplus stomach capacity.
The Rules
1. Approach from the flank, down wind. That way, you can make it look like a casual encounter with the picnickers, not a direct advance. By approaching from downwind you can ascertain the likely menu for the afternoon, and if detecting whiffs of vegetarian fare, make a discreet but swift detour to the next party, who hopefully are carnivorous.
2. Never make eye contact until you are on the rug. Once established on the rug or next to the chilly bin, then turn on the wide eyed, innocent, haven't-eaten-for-a-week look. Suck in the belly.
3. If at any stage your cover is blown, lay down and scratch, or sniff the breeze in the direction of the harbour, like an old seafarer.
4. Set your ears slightly alert. This, combined with the wide-eyed starvation look will give the illusion of neediness. Flash your foodbank frequent flyers card if necessary.
5. Switch on Selective Hearing Mode if you hear your owner twoleggers attempting to dissuade you from the mission.
6. Drool a little. Take care not to do this on the tartan rug or in grandma's lap.
7. Target small children. They are suckers for the head-slightly-angled look. Their food is also more conveniently located closer to ground zero.
8. Never whine. This can be interpreted as desperation. If you must, save it for pack-up time when there's likely to be the odd scrap that, in the event of the picnicker weakening, flick onto the ground rather than taking away with them.
9. Always be aware of new, more sumptuously-equipped picnic parties arriving in the vicinity. Never rule out the option to ‘Upgrade'.
10. Have a plausible reason ready in the event of trouble on your return home. Quote legitimate safety concerns for the picnickers. Have DVD copies of "Lassie does Heimlich manoeuvre on choking park diner" and "Rin Tin Tin Releases Toddler Trapped in Chilly Bin" for twoleggers' viewing should aspersions be cast upon your motivation.
Buffalo Drumsticks
Ingredients
8 large chicken drumsticks
3 Tbsp hot pepper sauce
1 Tbsp vegetable oil
1 clove garlic, minced
¼ cup mayonnaise
3 Tbsp sour cream
1 Tbsp white wine vinegar
¼ tsp sugar
1½ oz crumbled blue cheese
Celery sticks
Method
Place chicken in large re-sealable food storage bag. Combine pepper sauce, oil and garlic in small bowl; pour over chicken. Seal bag tightly; turn to coat. Marinate in refrigerator at least one hour or up to 24 hours (for hotter flavour) turning occasionally.
Combine mayonnaise, sour cream, vinegar and sugar in another small bowl. Stir in cheese. Cover and refrigerate until ready to serve.
Prepare barbecue. Drain chicken and discarding the marinade. Barbecue chicken, covered, over medium-hot coals for 25 to 30 minutes or until chicken is tender when pierced with fork and no longer pink near bone, turning 3 to 4 times. Serve with blue cheese dressing and celery sticks. Serves four.