There's nothing quite like
the freshness of the forest,
the cooling breezes of a mountain range, the gentle babbling of a stream.
Unfortunately, the only babbling I could hear was the boss telling me 'if you were any sort of dog, you'd get out there and catch that damn pig”.
It's been marauding around the bach for months; digging up the bush, crashing through the garden fence, upturning the whiskey still, uprooting the satellite cable and scaring the daylights out of sophisticated and domesticated folk like myself.
Worst of all, it's been farting a lot and ruining the climate, too.
'About time you moved on from terrorising flounder and possums,” he lectures me. 'Go round up some pork, you slacker.”
His cruel accusations of slovenliness struck deep within my peace-loving soul. I'm a canine at one with the world and God's creations – except for those Australian overstayers – and the rest of the animal kingdom are my friends.
Why should I risk life and limb, and maybe miss dinner time, by thundering through the bush in pursuit of animal that:
A) Is probably bigger than me.
B) Is definitely smarter than me.
C) Has more movies in its honour, including Charlotte's Web and Animal Farm.
D) Has tusks. Bloody big tusks. Enough to rip entire roots from the earth.
Besides, don't we have real pig dogs for that? Call a specialist like a staffie-mastiff crossed with Jason Voorhees.
I posed the question to the boss: If you were such a hot-shot hunter, how come you don't go in pursuit of the pig?
I've seen the pig, I've smelt the pig. I know how big and mean and ugly the pig is.
Which is why, on a couple of occasions, you've seen me on a narrow bush track, barking furiously in an easterly direction, while running backwards furiously in a westerly direction.
Yes, the track was too narrow for my sumptuously-proportioned frame to turn around in.
Yes, the pig was coming at me at Mach2, both tusks locked and loaded, zeroed in like a heat-seeking missile.
Yes, I like bacon, but not enough to put my rump on the line for a Boar Burger.
So we reached what I thought was a fair compromise. We gathered enough arms and equipment for an invasion of Afghanistan, and traipsed to the top of the mountain on a hog hunt. Me, with my handsome snout to the ground. Him, with the bloody big gun and his ridiculous Rambo hat. I am not fooled by the disguise or the camouflage. Neither, I suspect, are any other critters.
He's not very convincing. Whaddya call that style? Hillbilly military grunge? It looks more like an episode of Gok Wan meets The Waltons.
Suddenly, the hog hunt takes a serious and deadly turn.
Diving fearlessly into the undergrowth, I grab an unsuspecting hog by the hindquarters, haul it kicking and screaming to the bush clearing. Despite the risk to my handsome features, I quickly and humanely dispatch the beast. Ah, success!
Panting and exhausted after my tussle with the beast, I get ready to pose for my Great Brown Hunter photo session and maybe as reward, share some of the chocolate he's secretly stashed in the pack for 'emergencies”.
But the boss is not impressed, nor poised with the camera. He's rolling in the fernery, laughing uncontrollably.
Seems that when he said 'hog” hunt, he didn't mean 'hedge hog.”
Oh, the humiliation.
So no pork today. Never mind, at least John boy at the Aussie Butcher has some great deals on everything else; including sirloin, chicken drumsticks, roasts and topside mince. It comes ready-packaged, and doesn't fight back.

Grilled sirloin

with garlic cream sauce
Ingredients
4 sirloin steaks
1 Tbsp coarse black
pepper
2 cups heavy cream
2 Tbsp garlic, chopped
Salt and pepper
1 cube beef bouillon
Butter and oil

Method
Coat steaks with a small amount of oil and sprinkle both sides of steak with coarse black pepper. In a small saucepan, sauté garlic in a small amount of butter until soft but not brown, about one minute. Add the heavy cream and bring to a simmer. Add salt and pepper to taste, along with the beef bouillon cube. Let the sauce simmer about 10 minutes – it will reduce and become thicker. Grill steaks to desired doneness and serve with garlic cream sauce.

Fancy whisky

Ingredients
2oz blended whisky
½ oz superfine sugar
½ oz triple sec
Dash of bitters
Lemon twist for garnish

Method
Pour ingredients into a cocktail shaker with ice cubes. Shake well and strain into a chilled cocktail glass.