Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

It's that time of year when so many Kiwis feverishly complete the work of getting their homes and gardens immaculate, their properties looking spectacular…so they can then completely abandon them.

Because camping is a New Zealand national passion.

Leave behind those perfectly manicured lawns and pristine homes with all the mod cons, big screen TVs and convenient appliances, to ‘enjoy' living like primitive cave people suffering the same inconveniences and unpleasantries inflicted on homeless refugees. All because, apparently, it is more fun.

Better than reclining in insulated, carpeted and fully-serviced luxury.

Oh yes, you'd much rather be swatting mosquitos on paspalum-stickered and sand-rashed, sunburnt limbs while steaming unshowered for days in a sweat box canvas shelter, sleeping poorly on uneven ground and constantly deflating airbeds while listening to several hundred others with their screaming children and annoying music.

So much more fun than being at home with hot water on tap and a good selection of viewing on HD.

There are some upsides to camping. It is a convenient way to lose your children in the woods, if you've had enough of them.

Although there is a disturbing modern trend developing in certain urban areas of New Zealand to actually abandon your children in the city streets.

Survival in the wild

It's a shame when people take shortcuts with time-honoured traditions such as child abandonment; where's the adventure in casting them off in town, without offering them the challenge of survival in the wilds?

To go camping you'll need a tent, to make shelter the old-fashioned way, under poles and canvas.

You'll need guy ropes too. These serve a very important purpose: they are the strings that trip you while making late-night visits to the camp latrine.

If you're really lucky, you also stub your toe on the peg at the same time, despite wearing standard issue, approved safety jandals*.

Tents come in many shapes in sizes and are measured in quantities of men. For example a ‘four-man' tent takes four men to successfully put up, without reading any directions. Because tents apparently cannot be measured in women units.
There must be some connection to tent measuring and barbecue duty, because both apparently hold the same male-dominated features.

Probably for the same reason that the ropes are named after guys. You never hear about ropes being named after girls. Although we could make a small concession here, and agree to calling the pegs, Peggy.

Another thing you'll need is a tomahawk or small axe. No-one has ever worked out what these are for, but you look cool around camp with one.

The main purpose is opening bottles because it is an unwritten rule of camping that no-one shall remember a bottle opener.

Another one of the unspoken rituals of camping is that the more equipment and tools you use for improper purposes, the more realistic and rewarding your camping experience will be.

For example, knives should be used for screwdrivers, screwdrivers used for chisels, chisels used for oyster opening, guy ropes used for washing lines, plastic bags used for raincoats, water containers used for chairs and cooking pots used for water containers.

In extreme cases, the axe can be used to open cans of baked beans, the staple diet of the standard camper.

Just don't expect to be able to find any of the beans, except for the ones you can wipe off the tent fly. The rest will be spread wide and far from the impact of axe blade on tin.

The axe can also be used to make threatening gestures during the night at possums, who, for their holidays, scurry into campsites, to lick far-flung baked bean-flavoured tomato sauce off guy ropes.

When you go camping, you'll need to find some outdoors. Many people go north or east to, well the eastern places.

Because there's a lot of outdoors there. Interspersed with bits of nature. You'll be wanting to 'be at one” with nature, so best to camp in the outdoors with some natural nature nearby.

'Being at one” with nature means you are lying under a starry sky, feeling the gentle summer night breeze oscillating the hook grass seeds attached to the hairs on your legs, pondering what might be happening on this week's episode of ‘Criminal Minds'. Which somewhere, someone is recording.

You'll need a GPS if you're going hiking in the outdoors with your tent and axe. Especially if you're going far from known landmarks, such as 'town”.

If you don't have a GPS you can probably get by with a compass and a map. Although be warned these people also had compasses, and look where it got them: (all perished on their exploring missions), Magellan, Cook, Scott and Dora.

Well we're not entirely sure about Dora's demise, but if I hear that song again, the axe is coming out.

Finally, remember that if you're adventuring into the outdoors, think safety. Be prepared. Tell someone where you are going and your intentions.

Because the rest of us, reclining back in our cosy armchairs enjoying the marvels of home appliances and TrustPower's electric light service, could do with a good laugh.

*Handle the jandal

The PC fanatics have done it again. The council has removed a ‘jandal fence' at the Mount. Here we had a creative, harmless piece of artistic flair, and the Fun Police have slapped it down.

At RR we reckon the jandal fence is a great iconic piece of Kiwi summer amusement. And the world needs more amusement and a lot less council-stuffed shirt gestapo-ism.

Let's hear your ideas for a jandal fence venue. There is clearly a demand for those wanting to liberate their high-mileage thongs. Let's come up with a solution and some creative answers.

Send your suggestions to brian@thesun.co.nz and we'll air the best ideas in this column next week. Until then, start collecting up your tired old flipflops. They might become famous in the weeks to come!

brian@thesun.co.nz