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Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz |
Now that Gareth Morgan has lifted the lid on global warming; pinpointed the problem of the birdies in the trees and the naughty cats; and found the golden bullet for NZ's Waitangi Treaty aberrations – it's time he moved onto a series of further feats of enlightenment for the nation.
Today, we bring you our top 12 plans for Gareth, in case he runs short of future crusades.
1. Write a sequel to the musical ‘Cats' with a sad ending. All the pussies die.
2. Head off to Antarctica to solve the riddle of why the penguins prefer Bluebird chips and insist on singing about it, and starring in TV commercials.
3. Don a kilt, travel to Scotland and unmask the Loch Ness Monster (to discover it too, is a cat) and on the way home, find MH370.
4. Blow the secret of exactly how Cadbury put the caramel in Caramello.
5. For the betterment of mankind, go undercover in the USA and disclose to the hungry public at least nine of the Colonel's 11 secret herbs and spices.
6. Establish clearly from Rachel Hunter, who'll need to be a lot more specific: That if it didn't happen overnight, exactly when did it happen?
7. How are we going to know when the Fruju hits us?
8. Team up with Hairy Mclary to have the statue of Slinky Malinki banned from The Strand and sold for scrap metal.
9. Find a solution to the excessive and costly bureaucrats who are hindering the black mould from quietly going about its rightful business in the TCC building.
10. Establish a Knitting Circle and Friendship Club in Blue Bayou so Linda Ronstadt won't be so lonesome all the time.
11. Re-connect Major Tom's circuitry so he can again communicate with Ground Control.
12. Lead the investigation into how Emirates Team NZ lost the America's Cup, eventually pointing the finger at Jimmy Spithill and of course, his pesky cat.
If you have any missions for Mr Morgan, send your suggestions to the RR Mission Control Headquarters c/- brian@thesun.co.nz and we will share next week.
Stop picking on Hamilton
Its official, we can stop picking on Hamilton. Because a new loser has been found. Rotorua was recently named one of the least romantic cities of the world. Stink, man.
Writing on the wall for graffiti
You'll be pleased to know the writing is on the wall, for taggers. March 12-22 is the Keep NZ beautiful week, which has been proclaimed ‘Graffiti Free Week'. I have no idea how the well-meaning people organising this are going to convince the pathetic little criminals who deface things, to take a week off. But good luck to you.
I've just returned from a week of retirement and it was awful.
Couldn't wait to be at work again.
One of the worst things was the exercise. All that fitness and fresh air sure takes a toll on a bloke.
Ironically, the first email on my return was this warning, about walking.
Thanks to Connie and her cohorts for the message:
The importance of walking
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you, at 85 years old, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $4000 per month…in geriatric nappies…
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 and we have no idea where the hell he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
I joined a health club last year, spent about 250 bucks. Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!
Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say: ‘Well, he looks good doesn't he?'.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years…just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
And, every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a pub with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
You could print this out and run it over to your friends, but just email it to them. It will save you the walk!
brian@thesun.co.nz