Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

We're barely into the run up to Easter, and my buns are certainly hot.

It could be something to do with the spectacular pair of crocheted shorts which were recently installed upon my rear quarters in a lavish family ceremony.

I should have seen it coming really.

The craze for woolly crotchet pants was first brought to your attention in this column several weeks ago. The garish fashion statements have been seen warming discerning bottoms from the catwalk to the beach.

My ever loving sister decided the Sun Media office shouldn't be left out of the latest clothing craze, so she fashioned a pair of amazing peggy square pants and a matching tie.

How can I ever thank her? Should I ever thank her? Not according to my mates.

It wasn't just the loving way it was crafted, but the thoughtful gesture of posting the photos on social media sites, where they have reached several hundred thousand of my closest friends … all who have felt the need to respond with what seems like an endless barrage of witty and cutting comments. None of them flattering.

Fortunately I have a thick hide and your chortling derision fails to deter me from enjoying my handcrafted strides.

Chortle away, fools. I will be the one having the last laugh in the depths of winter, when my delicate derriere is snugly insulated in high fashion crotchet coiffure.

More weird news

From our Weird News file: a fair swag of what we know as Greerton, isn't officially Greerton. That's according to our columnist Shirley Wells, who explains the situation on p51 this week. It seems the council blames the post office and the PO blames the fire service. Personally I think Colonel Greer should be held to account. Check out Shirley's intriguing piece in today's edition, p51.

Kinky side of Dr Seuss

A weirder side of Dr Seuss, if that is possible, is proving an internet sensation as long lost titles are surfacing. Two decades after his death a couple of bizarre books have emerged, and a publishing company plans to resurrect them. ‘The Seven Lady Godivas, The True Facts Concerning History's Barest Family' is a bawdy tale that was a sales disaster. Written in 1939 and illustrated by Seuss, it features seven naked cartoon sisters.

He's quoted as saying, 'I attempted to draw the sexiest babes I could, but they came out looking absurd”.

(Perhaps he would have had more success if they'd been dressed. In crochet board shorts.)

His obituary in the New York Times reports that the author stated, 'I'd rather write for kids. They're more appreciative; adults are obsolete children, and the hell with them”.
Meanwhile, at least two new Seuss books are likely to emerge, with the discovery of lost manuscripts. Including ‘What Pet Should I Get?'. It is believed to have been written around 1960 and features the siblings from ‘One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish'.

Romance advisory service

A charming love story unfolded in Picton this week. It had all the ingredients of a great romance novel or movie.

Girl spots boy on beach. Tussled hair, star tattoo, friendly dog. Girl posts message seeking boy. Boy turns up with champagne and clever lines.

Off they go for a romantic party for two, on the shores of the Marlborough Sounds.
Word of advice: don't take a ride in a water taxi to party on a ketch.

Money in murder

Seems that the majority of us are missing out on a lucrative money making scheme – be wrongly convicted of murder or serious assault and collect a big payout. It might seem like a tortuous path, and probably involves someone dying along the line, but hey, at the end of it, you could get millions.

There seems to be a disproportionate number of serious criminals and convicted killers being pardoned or having their convictions quashed, and going on to reap vast millions from the long suffering taxpayers.

The rough guide to payouts is $100,000 for every year in custody. Ironically this is about what it has already cost the taxpayer annually to keep these prisoners in jail. So we get to pay all over again.

Pora is the latest, tipped to get $2m after his conviction was ruled wrongful. Others that spring to mind include: Arthur Allan Thomas; David Dougherty $868,728; Aaron Farmer $350,000; and Mr Bain is patiently waiting for his big cheque.

Either the police are incredibly inept in their job, or the system is screwed, or both. But for a small country to have so many cases of this sort, is killing us.

Kiwis' disarming tactics

NZ troops are going to Iraq to tackle the ISIS threat. Our soldiers may not be as well-equipped as some of the other nations' forces.

But we have some proven Kiwi ingenuity up our sleeve.

'Mohammed, bro, I see you driving a bit recklessly there, shooting out of your pickup truck with that rocket launcher on the back. Chill out mate, you're likely to kill someone…”

Then we can deal with ISIS the same way we handle any dangerous foreigners:
Take their keys.

brian@thesun.co.nz