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Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz |
As some of you may already know, it's Easter this weekend.
It's a special time of year to celebrate the crucifixion of Jesus (and more recently cricketers) and subsequent resurrection... as a bunny that lays bogus eggs, made of anything except yolk. At least that is how the chocolate manufacturers interpret the story.
Less gullible readers, of course, know there's more to the story than that. There's another angle on this, inside the back pages of this edition.
It would be absurd that a modern civilisation could possibly link historically significant events that are the cornerstone of our cultures, to a completely fictitious animal with humanoid tendencies who is suspiciously generous with confectionary.
Mind you, that logic goes completely out the window when we hear the bunny also has hot buns.
Now Jesus might have done cool stuff with loaves and fishes, but the Bunny has the marketing down pat with the promise of hot rolls dripping with butter.
Danger in the bedroom
A NZ bed manufacturer is jumping on the bunny wagon and declaring Easter the start of ‘Sleep Week'.
I thought Sleep Week started when the English team took to the crease. Apparently not, this Sleep Week is tenuously connected to the end of daylight saving, and the notion that we'll get an extra hour of sleep. Trouble with that theory is that we are really only getting back what was wrongfully taken from us at the start of the Daylight Robbery season. 
And there's a bizarre twist, Sleepyhead warns that 'bedrooms are dangerous”. They base this on research that says one in 20 Kiwis have broken a toe in the bedroom.
So much for the Toe Hold Sex Position. We always suspected it was hazardous. Always wear steel caps into any unknown bedroom antics. Anyone in jandals is clearly asking for trouble.
Researchers also reckon New Zealanders need help getting to sleep, apparently. We use reading, sex, sleeping tablets and warm milk, according to the study.
Here at RR, we don't believe this.
There's no way you can sensibly turn the pages while engaged in the Toe Hold Position while doped off your face on sleeping pills, and not spill the milk over your book.
Smells like sheet
About three quarters of those surveyed changed their sheets once a week. Most of the rest changed them once a month, but two per cent only changed them every six months.
They clearly are the ones who either are doing the Toe Hold Position wrong or have managed to avoid spilling their milk.
Here at RR we can reveal the hidden message in all this research: Everyone should rush out now and buy a new bed. The bonus for the two percenters: it might come with new sheets.
Out of the frying pan…
'Don't drink and Fry” is a worthy campaign from the Fire Service. Anything that helps save lives is good.
Unfortunately, it also makes heroes out of pissheads. The TV campaign features sozzled takeaway customers extolling the virtues of chips and burgers instead of rolling home drunk and cooking.
Here's a better idea – don't get so boozed in the first place, that you can't effectively look after yourself, either in the kitchen or on the street.
Just putting it out there.
I don't like cricket, oh no
The least said about the cricket, the better. 'I don't like cricket, oh no, I loathe it, yeah.” With apologies to 10CC.
Since I know nothing about cricket and intend to keep it that way, I decided to watch as little as possible.
Unfortunately, living in a cricket-mad family meant that some of the sporting hype seeped insidiously into the weekend, so there was no true escape from the pain.
(At which point my wife says I should add something here about how well they did…small country and all that…making it to the finals…yawn).
The least exposure to Aussie gloating the better, especially coming hard on the heels of Winston gloating after his monumental victory in Northland.
Anyway, you've all had a week's recovery from the disaster, and hopefully McCullum and Taylor have since talked to Dean Barker and realised that the world isn't all that sad after all.
Parting thought:
A reminder, Saturday night before bed: Don't drink and fry. Put on your steelcaps, perform your twice-yearly sheet change. Get a good grip on your milk mug. Turn your clocks back a year.
Parting shot:
After the weekend's impressive performance by their cricket team, the Australian Olympic selectors have announced the squad for the next Winter Olympics will include all 11 from Sunday's match at the MCG. They'll all compete for gold in the sledging.