Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

Warning: This column contains crude references to the human digestive process; crass and immature discussions of everyday bodily functions, and phrases and imagery that some may find offensive. So please read on, we take perverse pleasure in upsetting those who are easily offended.

The recent uproar over 'breast milk” on sale has brought to the attention of previously disinterested people, the existence of an organisation called the Breastfeeding Authority.

Ordinarily I would be very wary of wading into any breast milk conversation, however this was too tempting to ignore.

Don't get me wrong. Breastfeeding is a beautiful and natural thing. And the BFA motto 'for breastfeeding to become the cultural norm” is commendable. I thought it was the norm. Whatever, let's support them all the way in this.

Most people are breastfeeding fans from a very young age. In fact, our research into the feeding habits of babies suggests that in the first years or so of life, breasts are all they think about. That all changes, of course, creating a dilemma for the male half of the species, with their discovery of an equally satisfying and fascinating key to the existence of mankind: The remote control.

Life-giving force

Our understanding of the importance of breastfeeding is nurtured with excellent education, such as the day at Tauranga Primary School in the 1960s when our room 12 class filed into the dingy historic building, the film room, to see a black and white documentary about the primitive and remote Sukanork tribe, somewhere in the jungles of the Titsabound province, where breastfeeding was an accepted and celebrated everyday part of life for all children until age 32 or being gored to death by a rampaging hippo; whichever came first.

The world over, breastfeeding is regarded as a special, life-giving force of nature. There is nothing more warming to the soul than to see a group of mothers chatting and breastfeeding. We're not sure if there's a collective word for group baby feeding, so we'll just call it 'A Healthy Rack of Mothers”.

I can fully understand that there should be a body here in Nuzzillion to nurture this vital link in the cycle of humanity. It's the labelling of this BFA organisation that warrants a closer look.

Here at RR we are fascinated that an organisation which concerns itself with bodily functions, would require a title as grandiose and imposing as 'authority.”

We always believed an authority was a government-initiated and controlled body, for the purpose of making and enforcing bylaws and generally waving a big stick at Joe Public. Running train networks, hydroelectric power stations and forcing hydatid dosing of dogs. 'Authority” has connotations of power, taxes, levies, control, influence and, if done well, the potential for corruption and bribery.

Does the Breastfeeding Authority actually have any authority? Or is this name a little too heavyweight, even draconian, for the promoting the simple and natural process of raising a child in the most natural and healthy way possible? The title suggests there is some sort of rule-making and monitoring involved.

Last time I looked (not that I actually looked, we are speaking figuratively) breastfeeding was one of those natural functions of the amazing human body that doesn't, it seems, need any law-enforcing agency latched onto it (see what I did there?)

Which leads us to ponder, if breastfeeding needs an authority, maybe there are other natural bodily functions, vital to human existence, which should also have the backing of a fierce and unrelenting enforcement agency.

That is why we bring to your attention these authorities, which have been established to lobby, educate, legislate and enforce… the rights of individuals to pursue these natural bodily functions:

The Flatulence Federation: Overseeing productive farting, essential to good health.
Motto: We're right behind you.

Self Flagellation Association:
We won't be beaten by anyone else.

Gall Bladder Bureau:
Leaving no stone unturned.

The Ear Wax Expeditionary Elective:
Motto: Ear today, gone tomorrow.

Belly Button Fluff Response Squad:
All qualified at navel academy.

The Premature Ejaculation Collective:
Motto: Our Members Come First.

The Bottom Scratchers' Outreach:
They only sit once a month.

Haemorrhoid Paranoid Party:
A sort of ‘Fellowship of the Ring'.

The Sideburn Development and Maintenance Coalition:
Not to be confused with the Moustache Mafia.

Ambrose Everett Burnside was known for his distinctive facial hair. So much so that the term 'sideburns” came from his last name.

The Fainters and Collapsers Conglomerate:
Motto: We won't take it lying down.

Nosepickers' Dictatorial:
Ensuring clear airways for Kiwis since 1822.
Motto: Pick it, flick it. Mostly accessed online, since members prefer to operate digitally.

Tell us more

Are you a member of other little-known authorities? Our readers would be interested to learn of your aims and objectives. Drop us a line with your group name and motto, to share with enthralled readers.

brian@thesun.co.nz

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