Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

As if the flagging flag debacle wasn't enough nonsense for one year, we now have some well-paid clowns suggesting we change the national anthem. This has to be a case of ‘God Defend New Zealand'… from the politicians.

First, we have this expensive and pointless flag debate – should we change it, what should we change it to... then out of the blue comes a suggestion out of the red: Labour leader Andrew Little questioning the future of our National Anthem. Worse, saying he rather sing the Aussie's song.

Well Andrew, there's an easier way to make ‘Advance Australia Fair' your national anthem and Qantas have some sharp one-way ticket deals at the moment.

What next? What could possibly replace ‘God Defend New Zealand'? ‘Ten Guitars'? ‘Loyal'? ‘Living Next Door to Alice'? ‘If It Weren't For Ya Gumboots'? ‘It's a Long Way to the Shop if You're On Parole'?

Frivolous posturing

Are we about to embark on a wholesale up-ending of the country as we know it? Are these people – who should be concentrating on keeping murderous rapists off the street; focussed on providing better healthcare for citizens; ensuring a good standard of education for our children; raising the standard of living for all Kiwis; building better and safer roads; and keeping our old folk warm and secure in their well-deserved retirement – instead wasting their time, our money, on frivolous and meaningless posturing? Well yes.

Instead of running the country and keeping each other on track, they're off on pointless tangents that do nothing to improve the lot of Kiwis.

So if we end up changing our flag to some crappy piece of garbage, that you can guarantee the majority will hate; then we change the anthem to something equally inane... and you can bet it would a nancy PC do-gooder piece of waffle at best, what else is under threat?

More examples

Here are some likely outcomes, as forecast by the RR Research Team:

The national game will be changed from rugby to Morris Dancing.

We will change the official ‘more sheep than people' statistic and declare the possum the most prolific animal in the country. It can teach us Andrew's Anthem.

All the characters in the Hairy Maclary books will be renamed, including Hairy. Considering it is national Maori Language Week, we have renamed the dog Te Kuri O Te Moana.

Te Kuri will also be changed to a guinea pig. That bronze statue on the Tauranga waterfront will need a bit of renovation to bring it into line.

All hockey sticks will, by law, have to be straight by the start of the 2016 season. Conversely, cricket bats will have a hook on the end before next summer. Any bent bananas will be stopped at the border.

Buzzy Bee will no longer be the iconic pull-along toy of New Zealand. We will
put a string on the remains of our dignity and tow that along behind us.
Marmite will be manufactured white.

Number 8 wire will be downgraded to a plastic cable tie.

Underwater hockey will only be played on frozen lakes in winter and its name changed to curling. Curling will only be played in summer with snorkels... and you can figure out the rest.

Haunting wail

The call of native birds on National Radio will be dumped, in favour of the haunting wail
of the introduced leafblower and the seatbelt warning buzzer from a 1989 Volvo station wagon.

Renee and the Englishman will be made redundant from reading the TV weather and replaced with Tame Iti and Suzanne Paul.

‘Dancing with the Stars' will be renamed ‘Vanquished to a Black Hole in Space.' It will
be hosted by John Minto.

Jelly Tips will, from this summer, have the jelly at the lower end and be renamed
Jelly Bottoms.

Fruju have, after 40 or so years, introduced an element of surprise and announced you will no longer know when it is going to hit you.

Welcome to Boganville

All bogans will be evacuated out of Hamilton and sent to Matua.

The only thing that won't be changed will be light bulbs. That way, the Government can keep us in the dark and change anything else, without even a $26m campaign.

Your suggestions, for changing stuff for the sake of change, are welcomed.

brian@thesun.co.nz

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