Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

This week we delve into the murky waters of race, religion and rap. This classic RR column from a few years ago is regurgitated, following new claims recently that Jesus was black.

Rogers Rabbits was already investigating this five years ago, as the following column shows.

Some serious questions are being asked about God, his offspring, our statutory holidays and it all needs clearing up...

It all started with the claim in a letter to the Sun, that Jesus had dark skin and black curly hair.

We also had a letter claiming to be from Jesus himself, (and no, we do not give classified advertising discounts to the offspring of deities) which we are inclined to not believe since it's commonly understood he's been dead for a couple thousand years.

However, if this is not the case, it would be good to have the discrepancy cleared up before next Easter, if possible, so we know whether to plan our four-day break or not. It kind of ruins the spirit of Easter, doesn't it, if the guy turns up alive again, when we've based an entire weekend around the fact that he came alive then went permanently dead again.

Straight answers

Imagine the hullabaloo in the offices of the Red Sea Insurance Company, if they find out the life insurance payout was a fraud.

There's a few other questions the world would also expect some straight answers to. Such as, 'did you leave your shroud in Turin, or not?”

Now if he'd had those little name tags inside his collar and on his socks, like our mums did with our school uniforms, it wouldn't have become a worldwide mystery. Maybe the Shroud of Turin should be checked again. There might just be a little tag 'JC” lovingly stitched into the hem.

Similar message for Noah. If he'd followed best practice and placed a trip report with Coastguard and then reported his arrival back after the voyage, we'd know exactly where the Ark was located; and saved centuries of wild speculation.

'Red Sea Coastguard, this is The Ark. ZMV 2X2. All safe back ashore on Mount Ararat, a few people and several hundred pairs of animals aboard. All safe, although I think the panthers ate the unicorns and the dung pile in the elephant quarters is starting to get a bit whiffy. Thanks for your watch. Catch you next time. Over.”

Even God him/herself needs to show some more responsibility and lead by example. The burning bush episode was clearly sanctioned from the heavens, yet everybody knows there's a complete fire ban across the Bay of Plenty in summer.

But getting back to the letter's assertions, exactly how they know Jesus was black is a mystery for most of us, who are very sure about our fervent religious beliefs including that God is a bloke and his son a Pakeha. Proof: I've seen the pictures on the wall at Sunday school.

But let's assume, for a moment, for the purposes of light entertainment, that the letter is correct.

Many of today's generation struggle with the somewhat antiquated language used in translation of the Bible, so perhaps the wording needs revision, in light of this new ethnic slant.

If Jesus did show up alive, and was of darker ethnic genes, a non-Caucasian, he may not necessarily be a clean cut, upstanding sort of character such as Barack Obama, Hone Harawira or Bill Cosby.

There's a chance he would be a rapper from the ghetto.

The translations of Jesus' teachings would therefore need some adjustment. To put the scriptures into modern terms, RR suggests the following amendments, in gangsta rap style. And let me hasten to add, that this is the only permissible time the word 'nigger” can be ethically used, in conversation between two gangsta rappers, which in this context, is not a racial slur but accepted as a term of endearment.

Thorns sideways

For starters, he wouldn't settle for being called simply Jesus.

More like 'J. Diddy Christ” and wearing his crown of thorns sideways. He'd be hanging out with Mary Ho and the D'sciplz in da hood.

The donkey will be lowered with some phat hydraulics and pimped with plenty of chrome and da bling.

The Ten Commandments would need some working over:

1. J.Diddy's Daddy is da Man. Da shiznit. Da Daddy Mac, foo'.Yah dig?

2. Yo shalt worship no udda homey.

3. Yo shalt not make no idol, not even American Idol. Try dis Buddah, it make yo idle, bro.

4. No shizzle the name of God fo sho. Was up wid ya talkin trash, foo?

5. Remember the Sabbath, Black Sabbath. Dey bitchin.

6. Honour yo muva and fava, if you know'd da man.

7. Yo shalt not pop no cap in no other mofo's ass.

8. No gangsta luv wid no other nigga's ho.

9. No getsda cherry lowrider (dat Grand Theft Auto foo'). Else book da honky pigs a-comin.

10. No getsda wandering eye to yo bro's ho boobage in da hood or back of da 'Lac.

Possible in coming weeks:

Is Santa Claus a communist?

Solving the Easter Bunny's identity crisis.

Supermarket trolley etiquette: When aisle rage is acceptable.

If a canned meat company issues a press release, is it spam?

brian@thesun.co.nz

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