Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

With a steaming pile of decomposing organic goodness

Compost. It's every woman's dream gift. I know, because I've been giving decomposed organic matter to a loved one. And she's ecstatic.

My pampered wife was recently treated to this special delivery. I know what you're thinking... she's a lucky lady.

Not many husbands would be so thoughtful and caring, as to give them a trailerload of steaming organic goodness, with a hint of manure, for their birthday.

Better still, I even loaned her my best shovel, so she could spend all weekend spreading the compost around her veges. Okay so maybe it was the second best shovel, but you get the picture.

I did help, mostly by leaning on the best shovel, by the bean fence... and suggesting better ways for her to spread the compost. She really should bend more at the knees. Wouldn't want to see her so crippled from shovelling on her birthday that she couldn't manage all the household chores.

Charlie's the man

Many thanks to Charlie for supplying the goods. I messaged Charlie this week, thanking him for the compost delivery.

Not sure if I had the right address, so if you're a random Charlie out there, receiving emails from Rogers about compost, please pass onto the right Charlie. More to come on Charlie's amazing product in future editions of this publication.

Tales from Togo

Now we have a tale of woe from somewhere in Africa.

Some very sad news arrived in my inbox this week. A message arrived from a lawyer in Togo, informing me that an entire family with the same surname as me, died in a horrific car accident in a neighbouring country.

They'd left their entire fortune, amounting to $5.5 US million to me, their only surviving relative.

I was devastated and forlorn. Not because of the story about the family dying – that was clearly a scam. I mean really. I think I'd know if I had a bunch of spear-chucking African rellies living in mud huts on the mountains bordering Ghana.

Good old Uncle Komi Rogers and Auntie Faureena and their 11 children, Abimbola, Jaoonger, Jaongo, Jablackie, Jabrownie, Afolabi, Bongani, Chukwuemeka, Daktari, Jabari and Steve.

Nor did I realise they were such bad drivers, that all 13 of them could have
been wiped out in a single crash.

And I wasn't saddened by a dodgy lawyer trying to bait me with the US $5.5million.

No, I was sad for another reason... I'd never heard of Togo.

Fetishes and fortresses

We immediately dispatched a research team to West Africa to investigate, and they report that Togo not only has more people than NZ, with a population of nearly 7 million, including the Batammariba people who live in fortress-like clay huts that are hundreds of years old. The Batammaribas may also be responsible for the invention of Bata Bullets, although this is yet to be confirmed.

The capital Lome has a bazaar and the Fetish Market, where weird shit happens including offering of talismans and remedies to the Vodun religion... that's voodoo, to us white people.

We'd like to tell you more but the research team were, unfortunately, set upon by a witch doctor, who made voodoo dolls of them and they perished at the hands of a rampaging hoard of zombies.

Voodoo too

So we resorted to a safer form of exploration, aboard the good ship
Google and discovered that Togo is a very interesting place.

For starters they have a better flag than the NZ guvmint is promoting. Mind, that's not difficult, considering the prize pieces of shite suggested are the worst thing flown from a flagpole since I hoisted my wife's thunderpants to the masthead one sunny afternoon in Mercury Cove. But that's another story for another day.

Togo's is a bright and cheerful green and yellow striped number, with a white star in a red box in the corner.

Togo also has a unique way of dealing with protesters. If they protest, they are killed. So generally, it's a peaceful and quaint little place.

Only the odd ivory poacher disturbs the peace, and they are dealt with appropriately too.

It also turns out that voodoo is a sensationalised and grossly inaccurate portrayal of the vodun religion, only popularised by westerners and pop culture.

Trying telling that to the hoard of zombies.

A Retired Person's Perspective

More thoughts, thanks again to the Askins:

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all
the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very cross.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day...because then the word ‘premeditated' gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1508 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom ‘the John' and renamed it ‘the Jim'. I feel so much better saying 'I went to the Jim this morning”.

9. Dear paranoid people, who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?

Just remember Einstein's comment: 'There is a major difference between intelligence and stupidity; intelligence has its limits.”

Parting thought

My original Dad joke: You're on your way to lecture on campus and a wheel falls off your bicycle. Does that make it a uni cycle?


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