Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

At this time of year many people will be looking to this column for words of inspiration, spiritual enlightenment and poignant prose to guide them through the coming months.

Well you won't find it here. We are far too busy bringing you novelty gift ideas, some of them involving the expelling of bodily gasses.

Having trouble deciding what to get your loved one for Christmas?

Daunted by the task of finding a gift for the person who has everything?

Rogers Rabbits to the rescue. Here we bring you thought-provoking ideas for those who are creatively-challenged.

Swearing parrot keyring

This potty mouthed parrot is a must for anyone with no class and even less style.

Phrases include: Polly wants a F***** Cracker and other obscenities.

The perfect gift for your fowl mouthed friends. Only available in f****** England. The same website also sells a fart extinguisher and bacon flavoured toothpaste.

Quality compost

As regular readers will know, my wife recently received a pile of Charlie's excellent compost for her birthday. I will not push my luck and repeat it for Christmas, but that shouldn't stop the rest of you dumping a truckload on your loved one's driveway!

Especially if you give them a new shovel too.

A framed portrait

Our revered Race Relations Commissioner in glorious full colour. Captioned: 'Wishing all a merry holiday season and a happy festive occasion”.

Basket case game

This Headband Hoop Game consists of a red ‘one-size fits all' headband hoop which has Velcro fastening and comes complete with 20 small plastic balls, 10 red and 10 white. Simply attach the Hoop Game to your head and then shoot away!

Edible bird nest

These might be a little scarce this Christmas, since the importer has been fined $10,000 for illegally importing them into NZ.

The judge declined Stacey Miao Yu's application for a discharge without conviction on two charges under the Biosecurity Act 1993. She had earlier pleaded guilty to the charges on 3 July.

MPI seized 500 grams of raw swiftlet bird nests (nearly 50 nests) after raiding Yu's Auckland property in June 2014.

Thought to provide health benefits to those who eat them, raw bird nests are made from the saliva of a species of swiftlet bird. However, they can carry a number of significant avian diseases not found in New Zealand.

A new polytech

Education Minister Steven Joyce and Tauranga MP Todd Muller have kindly given us a new polytechnic institute. Sure, it's an amalgamation of a couple we already have, but isn't re-gifting wonderful! Thanks Steve and Todd.

A new waterfront

We're not exactly sure whether the city council is going to give us this, but we've peeked inside the wrapping and we think we know… Tidal steps and a bit of a jetty thing, out from The Strand. Magic!

Astrolabe Reef

We're expecting to be given our reef back this summer. Word has it that the reef will open to the public in February. Just scuttlebutt and rumour at this stage, and best you don't go there till it's official. But remember you read it in Rogers Rabbits first. And setting sail to this reef, or any other awesome fishing spot, make your crew have…

Coastguard membership

Perfect for the keen boatie in the family…helping keep them safe and connected while on the water. And there's a range of education courses too. See Coastguard advert in this edition of the Sun.

Christmas on Christmas Island

The ultimate adventure getaway. Free travel available to select participants. Specials available for twin share rooms.

Invisible socks

Tired of the usual socks for Christmas? Rogers Rabbits this year has launched our line of Invisible Socks, the perfect gift for those with too many ordinary socks. Invisible Socks take up less room in the drawer, never smell, match well with any outfit, automatically pair themselves and can be worn under sandals without compromising fashion. Warning: They are quite hard to find in the washing machine. Order today, $10 for three pairs. One size fits all.

Fixit Cricket Set

The summer series cricket match fixing kit. Everything you need to make sure you win, or lose, whether the serious one dayer or just a social game at the beach. Comes with laundered cash, appropriate cricket personality face masks, and the address of a good lawyer.

Flavoured tooth picks

Finally, we recommend the mint flavoured toothpick variety. Perfect for removed the remnants of edible bird nest from your chompers.

brian@thesun.co.nz