Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

Time and space: this column is a waste of both

We have some exciting science news for you this week, and remember you read it here first. Unless you are a Time Traveller, in which case you probably know this already: New Zealand changes to Night Dark Wasting Time this weekend, whereby clocks are altered to provide us with longer, cosy winter evenings.

This system was created by researchers at the Rogers Rabbits secret laboratory, to counter the effects of the evil Daylight Saving Time which was introduced by desperate dairy farmers, trying to offset the effects of shrinking Fonterra payouts, by increasing sunlight hours to make the grass grow faster.

It was probably Don Brash's idea. We may also have to blame America (often rumoured to be in cahoots with Dr Brash), because America declared 'the days are longer, the nights are stronger than moonshine”.

To counter DLST, our intrepid researchers devised the antidote: Night Dark Wasting Time. You can all be part of this groundbreaking experiment, which should herald a new dawn, or should that be sunset, in the study of Time Travel.

Cher will be particularly pleased with this idea, because she has been pleading since the late eighties for us to Turn Back Time, if we could find a way. If she'd only listened to a bit more Uriah Heep and discovered ‘Traveller in Time' she'd have found all the answers in the seventies and might have avoided that unfortunate hook up with Sonny; or at least thought twice about wearing that slutty fishnet body stocking on tour.

The Rogers Rabbits theory is, if enough people turn their clock hands back simultaneously, in unison, all together, and at the same time; the combined effect of this anti-clockwise inertia will disrupt the Earth's rotation, slowing it to a stop for one hour. If you have a clock with slender, lightweight hands, your contribution will be minimal.

But if you have a timepiece with large, heavy hands, such as the Green Party and their Mickey Mouse clocks, the effect will be heightened. We must take care not to go too far back in time, however, and chance the risk of ending up back in 1984 in the midst of Rogernomics. (Although Auckland would probably welcome back Cath Tizard as Mayor, knowing the rough time they've had to endure with Len Brown).

There are other benefits of Night Dark Wasting Time. Because the nights will be longer, the Earth will cool a smidgeon* and therefore counter the effects of global warming. And we all know the curtains fade faster since DLST was foisted upon us, so there will be many excited interior decorators. Not that we want them too excited, they might start clapping and giggling and doing a gay little dance.

Before we know it, we'll be time warped back to ‘Boogie Nights'.

Don't worry if you can't turn back the hands of your clock. Our theory is, based on our years of scientific experimentation** is that so many people reading this column and adjusting their clocks will mean such a monumental shift in the Earth's inertia, that you'll be automatically upgraded to Night Dark Wasting Time, whether you want to or not!

It's a bit like getting Windows 10 when you were quite happy with a colouring book and a set of crayons. You just wanted to keep on colouring in, but everyone else in the asylum was changing, so you got dragged along for the ride.

To change manually to NDWT, turn the clock hands back one hour while you are asleep. Avoid turning the hands back while you are awake, this may result in having your sleepless time increased by an hour, making you tired and grumpy. And we know that many of you are already grumpy enough, especially those concerned about the future of your Gold Card.

It's also good time to check the batteries in your smoke alarms, and if they're good, re-use them in a more fun appliance, such as a remote control fire starter. No, of course that is a joke and the good people at the fire service would take a very dim view of smoke alarm batteries being re-purposed for anything. Replace your smoke alarm batteries, whether they need it or not.

And don't drink and fry. There are enough bad cooks out there already, without you trying to slap together a fry up while your brain cells are toasted.

That's all for this week

We look forward to seeing you all again in the future next week, presuming of course this week's experiment in Time Travel goes according to plan; and you are not spun out of control into the year 1969, only to learn some disturbing facts about The Year 2525. If man is still alive.

If woman can survive.

Until then, contribute generously to our Givealittle page to help fund the editor's Time Travel Retirement Project.

*Smidgeon: A technical term used by scientists to quantify the period of time that is longer than Two Shakes but shorter than a Mo.

** Years of Scientific Experimentation: A broader period of time than a smidgeon, measuring levels of commitment and faithful readership…approximately the 15 years Rogers Rabbits has been feeding you this nonsense, still in disbelief that you doggedly read it to the end every week. Congratulations, you are officially short of something worthwhile to do.

brian@thesun.co.nz

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