Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

I'm quite concerned about my favourite readers and your potential loss of eyesight.

Here at the Sun, we value our readers and want you to keep reading. Listeners are not a lot of use to a newspaper. So being the caring souls we are, it's time for your annual eye tests.

So put down the coffee and shove the cat aside for a moment, we need your full attention.

Those who passed our recent ESP test need not continue, as you already know what we are going to do. (You may as well get back to filming episodes of ‘Sensing Murder'. You never know, eventually you may fluke an outcome).

This year we are particularly concerned about Macular Degeneration. As many of you are already classed as ‘degenerates' this could well apply; you're half way there.

A recent survey has found low awareness of the disease. One in seven Kiwis aged 50-plus will contract it, but more than 40 per cent hadn't heard about. Forty one, in fact, which is one more than 40.

But the good news is, 100 per cent of you have read this far.

Macular Degeneration can quickly lead to vision loss, if untreated. Early detection is the answer to helping solve it.

Fortunately, the test is really simple, and we're dedicating a section of page two today, to make sure as many readers as possible do the self-check. Later, after a few drinks, we may move onto checking other bodily parts…but for now, let's just start with the eyes…

Below is the Amsler Grid. Cover one eye and look at the dot in the middle. Repeat with your other eyes. And the third eye, if you are equipped with one. (Supporters of the Chiefs, who are all one-eyed already, only need to do this once). If the lines appear distorted, you should contact an optometrist immediately. If the lines are speaking to you, put down the scissors and step away from the light socket.

(take in the grid)

Check that your newspaper is laid flat. Obviously if the cat is underneath, the whole page may appear distorted. One clue, it will look roughly like a cat-shaped newspaper.

If necessary, remove the cat and repeat the test with the paper on a flat surface.

If the newspaper runs away, there may still be a cat, or cats, under it. Repeat till you get it right.

Experts tell us the test can be done with any grid pattern anywhere, such as window frames. They are less likely to be affected by domestic animal interference, but not as much fun.

If you can see the straight lines with each of your eyes closed, that is good news. If you see distorted lines, or can't see the page at all, go straight to the eye doctor. (Better get someone else to drive).

If you see anything else – ghostly apparitions, likenesses of Jesus on burnt toast, large tax returns from the IRD, or Elvis – you're probably beyond the help of an optometrist and we'll arrange counselling and a Nice Room to stay. It will have bars on the windows, so you can do the grid eye test pattern all day from the comfort of your padded walls.

But seriously, do the test, it may save your vision. We hope you all pass, but if not, get checked out ASAP. You can thank us later.

And cheers to Mr Amsler for loaning us the grid.

Hearing tests

If during the above test you can hear the ocean, it is possible you have a seashell on your ear. Remove it and the sound should stop. If you can still hear the sea, walk a couple of blocks away from Marine Parade and try again.

If you are afflicted with a whining sound that is sending you slowly insane, stop listening to Justin Bieber for a while and see if your condition improves.

Seriously, if you think your hearing is an issue, you have trouble hearing in a crowd, the TV remote is at 100 per cent, or people have called you a deaf old coot; then check out the services advertised in the Sun and…I SAID, CHECK OUT THE SERVICES…oh never mind.

Smell test

Some of you have completed this test before. It was so much fun, we're going to do it again. This newspaper page is equipped with the latest scratch‘n'sniff technology. Simply scratch a blank area of the page briefly, take a deep breath, sniff the area. If it smells like newsprint, your sense of smell is 20/20. If it smells like fish and chips, this is likely an old copy. It is not recommended to try this test with a paper that has been used in the budgie cage.

Reaction times

Test your reaction times by attempting to rap one hand with the other hand's knuckle. To decide who goes first, play Rock, Paper, Scissors with yourself. This is also a useful game to play all day when you're in that Nice Room with the grid on the windows.

Logic test

Complete this puzzle: One newspaper goes to all mailboxes in the region, has the most readers and increases its circulation every year. Another newspaper has only a fraction of the number of readers and its circulation continues to fall year on year. Which gives advertisers the best results and value for money?

If you need to be told the answer, you have failed this logic test!

Next week: We'll take you step-by-step through the easy process of removing your own gall bladder and checking for stones. Until then, stay safe and sweet dreams!

brian@thesun.co.nz