Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

Half the world will go all gooey and the other half are already tired of it; inflicted with yet another Royal Wedding.

Fortunately for those of you less interested it's in the middle of the night New Zealand time, so it will be easy to opt out, to be comatose… but brace yourself for a barrage of media fawning for the next day or so.

While it won't be quite the fuss of his brother William's wedding, as it's not an official state event, the Harry hitching will still be a sizeable bash. The couple have invited 2640 people to Windsor Castle.

About half are members of the public, 200 charity representatives plus 100 local school students.

Castle invasion

The level of security around Windsor, the world's largest inhabited castle, is mind-boggling. Security officials are concerned about stalkers, terrorists and snipers (so they should be, this column has been sniping about the Royals for two decades). The medieval city will be invaded by 100,000 for the event. But not before they've been screened and vetted by formidable frontline forces – national Air Police, hostile vehicle barriers, mounted units and dogs – plus a lot of technology that can't be seen; CCTV and automatic number plate recognition.

Scandal in the Wind

The celebrity contingent includes Elton John and the Spice Girls.

Meghan of course has an entourage of ritzy glamour girls; Misha Nonoo, Jessica Mulroney, and Priyanka Chopra.

And a move that few of us peasants would contemplate, Harry has invited a couple of his former girlfriends. His old squeezes, Chelsy Davy and Cressida Bonas will be there. Imagine the bunfight that would create at ‘normal' weddings. The security might have their hands full.

Wedding clangers

It's unlikely that Prince Philip will make it. He's recovering from hip surgery.

Probably caused by all that shooting from it. He's my favourite Royal, infamous for making outrageous public comments over the decades. We've some suggestions for wedding clangers, based on his best work, in case Philip is running short of ideas:



1. We love you Americans. You saved our asses in the War.

2. Who invited the ginga?

3. That's not bloody James Hewitt, is it?

4. She looks lovely, but can she cook?

5. Does her family still throw spears at each other?

6. I hope there are no Russians here today. They murdered half my family.

7. Ooh look, there's Elton. I hope he didn't bring that ghastly car.

8. What happened to Tom Jones? Choked on a pebble I suppose.

9. How much is all this costing? I will have to give up polo again.

10. We can watch this again on the tele. Cate Blanchett fixed my DVD player, you know.

We wish the couple well, and remind Meghan Markle that she has much to learn about the ways of the Royals.

She's already changed some of his habits; he's quit smoking and tequila shots; lives healthy, eats kale and joins her in yoga.

But she might have to live with quaint traditions and rituals, such as High Tea and Harry's desire to dunk his Gingernuts.

Things to avoid

Celebrity weddings are notorious for things going wrong. Here are some pitfalls that the royal couple should be aware of.

Hilary Duff, actress, lost a tooth while eating a bagel on the morning of her wedding to professional hockey star Mike Comrie. An emergency dental visit solved the problem.

Another bit of bad luck: Kristin Cavallari, on the morning of her marriage to Jay Cutler, was reportedly bitten on the eye by their dog Brando. A make-up artist closed the wound before the ceremony, gluing it together.

Harry's own mum crumpled her 25-foot long wedding train, then bungled her future husband's names during the vow.

It should have been a warning of things to come.

Beware of candles

Kym Johnson, of Dancing with the Stars fame, had a burning desire to wed business tycoon Robert Herjavec.

Her wedding gown caught fire.

The groom stomped it out.

Nicky Hilton, marrying a Rothschild, snagged her ridiculously expensive wedding dress under a car tyre in 2015.

Sarah Michelle Gellar's big day was struck by two natural disasters in Mexico in 2002.

Hurricane Hernan ravaged the beachside venue, forcing the nuptials indoors and then an earthquake struck as guests were leaving.

Madonna and Sean Penn's hitching in 1985 was bound to draw a major paparazzi presence. A message with the F word written in the sand didn't deter them. Penn is alleged to have taken a gun and fired at the paparazzi helicopters.

Parting thought:

So happy since I quit my job testing car rear-view mirrors.

I've never looked back.