Daniel Hutchinson From The Hutch

You know how some people are pretty easy to buy presents for and others are harder than the Da Vinci Code?

I'm hoping you do, because frankly, you wouldn't want to be one of my relatives. I'm a last minute shopper at best and a complete non shopper at worst.

People often talk about the need to avoid the stress of Christmas. Well, I have taken that to its ultimate conclusion.

However, it is common knowledge that some people are very hard to buy for, so I feel the least I can do, as a creative type, is share some ideas for you to use.

So here is a list of presents I might hypothetically buy for various hard-to-buy-for people.

Donald Trump

If you were cheap, you could just steal a bathrobe from one of his hotels and get DT monogrammed onto it but we don't have a budget constraint so I'm going to go all out with this one.

Don, or ‘The President' to his closest friends, needs a smaller country he can practise on and bounce ideas off before twittering them to his own peeps. Somewhere preferably that is already fully fenced, and with a population that has already shown a general willingness to exclude its neighbours from its affairs.

What about the UK? It's perfect – there's no fence, but it's surrounded by ocean. The royal family is fully focused on its own issues so may not notice it has a president. And it solves the issue of what to get Boris for Christmas – a playdate with Donald. Boom!

Greta Thunberg

Ah, you think Greta is going to be impossible to buy for. Not so. This is someone who has made it quite clear she is upset about the planet warming up, the ice melting and the sea level rising.

What she wants for Christmas is for everyone in the world to collectively acknowledge we have a problem and do something about it. We have clearly failed her and ideally I would buy up all the fossil fuels so she can dispose of them safely.

However, we want to avoid a war with China and the US and those rich guys in the Middle East. The problem is simply too big and our budget doesn't stretch that far anyway.

I'm tossing up between a pair of thigh-length waders and one of those big walk-in fridges like you get in all the liquor stores. She can pop it on the back of her yacht. Chill out, problem solved, perfect present!

Ian Foster

No this is not a type of beer, it's actually the new All Blacks coach. Up until now, he has been the assistant coach of the All Blacks – the smiley one they roll out for the cameras when the surly one is not available.

Despite having an approachable nickname – Fossie – he was not the crowd favourite. That was Scott 'Razor” Robertson – the break dancing, blond haired, thrice champion coach of the Crusaders (not to be confused with the Muslim purging Crusaders).

In a brutal sport like rugby, when the fans are already baying for blood after losing the world champion crown – putting Razor up against Fossie seems like a foregone conclusion.

So for Christmas, our new coach is getting a re-brand and none of this explore-your-feelings, fashionista stuff you get on telly these days.

No, Fossie is going to become the Fosterminator and he is going to smile less and not share his emotions. When he does smile it needs to be a wry smile, rather than one of those pleased-as-punch smiles. Wearing black is good. A baseball cap with a big ‘F' emblazoned on it would also be a marketing masterstroke. Just don't fail!

Jacinda Ardern

And this brings me to the hardest person of all to buy for but I think I know just the thing.

Given the absolute crap year we have had for both man-made and natural disasters, Jacinda's frown lines have taken an absolute hammering. I was going to ask Winston to get her a voucher for one of those flash day spas on Waiheke Island, but the paperwork on that would be too confusing.

Instead, we are all going to chip in and get her some good news for Christmas. We are going to drive safely, look after our friends and family, not be too hard on ourselves and take time to help someone else feel good too.

It's time to relax.

Merry Christmas.