Daniel Hutchinson From The Hutch

You may have noticed that quite a large chunk of the money you earn is snaffled before it even gets to the bank.

I like a good bourbon analogy so this is a bit like what distillers call the Devil's Cut or Devil's Share. It's the bit that is absorbed by the wooden casks.

In the case of income, it is called tax.

Local and regional councils call it rates and when you buy anything it is called GST. The government also has a few other names like excise tax, petrol levies, ACC, car registration. When you add it all up, the average person probably pays out about half of their income on tax.

And that's before those voluntary taxes like charitable donations and Lotto.

Sometimes I get the feeling that because government departments don't have to appease shareholders, there is not the same motivation to keep the costs down.

If the costs blow out you just milk the taxpayer and bit harder.

Losing faith

In fact, we are about to start hearing from our local councils about how they plan to spend our money over the next year and any reviews to long term spending plans.

Now, I'm not opposed to a spend-up if it is good quality spending, but I have zero faith in the ability of governments and councils to spend in this way, even with the best of intentions.

For example, our story on page 6 (The Weekend Sun, 28 February) highlights the new pedestrian traffic lights outside Bayfair, where the roadworks are and the nine staff hired to ensure people can use the lights safely. Really?

But don't worry, I'm sure this will all be explained to us once NZTA has hired its communications advisor – a full-time position to explain to the public what's going on with this project. Hmmm.

Checking out

My solution to this is simple.

I'm thinking about going unemployed.

If I don't earn anything, I can't be taxed.

This is not strictly true because even government benefits are taxed. Yes, that's right, people are paid to give money to people who don't have money of their own and then, before they give it to us, we pay someone else to take some off it.

This week, the job seeker allowance actually went up by $10, which is what sparked this bright idea about how to get some of my money back.

Being unemployed is relatively easy for a journalist. Being ‘disestablished' is only an email away.

The advantage here is that because I have been a journalist for so long, I'm completely unsuitable for any other type of work. There are very few jobs that require you to know a little bit about a lot of things and not a lot about everything.

So it's either a politician or primary school teacher and neither of those are the least bit appealing.

This will work to my advantage because my new career goal isn't going to impress the people at Work and Income.

So, I'll list my occupation as a ‘writer'.

I'll do a few online philosophy papers and dabble in chainsaw sculpting.

That should keep them off my case and there's a realistic chance I will be able to make an ACC claim as well.

I've crunched the numbers and simulated the scenarios to see if my new bohemian lifestyle is really feasible.

Making ends meet

Firstly, the wife is not going to be impressed that she has to work, while I'm a ‘writer' so she is going to quit her job and become a postal worker.

As far as I can make out, we will get $483 a week, including an accommodation supplement to help with the mortgage.

This will actually pay the mortgage but nothing else so we will need to make some lifestyle changes.

Firstly, we will procure some chickens and a book on how to grow vegetables, install solar panels to run the house and put a beehive out the back.

We will brew our own beer for the weekends and make honey mead for the annual harvest festival. The old cast iron bathtub down the back will become a worm farm. Our clothes will be fabricated from strands plucked from the giant harakeke by the gate.

We will attend several workshops on sustainable living.

There are a few options to make additional spending money but we have both agreed to rule out the unregulated sex industry and cannabis cultivation because we want to maintain a respectable social status.

Instead, we will wait until it's dark and manoeuvre a tiny house into the backyard, behind the garage.

We can then rent it out to environmentalists on a fringe house renting site that hasn't caught the eye of IRD.

If we install a composting toilet and an outdoor shower and provide a pint of honey mead upon arrival, served in one of those old fashioned milk bottles, we will be able to charge a premium.

Happy tax paying guys.

daniel@thesun.co.nz