Daniel Hutchinson From The Hutch

I'm thrilled to announce big projects that make jobs and earn lots of money.

For years developers have been complaining that red tape and whingy neighbours have been denying them the opportunity to do what any opportunistic person would consider opportune.

Suddenly, the Government agrees. It has waved its magic wand across the Resource Management Act and made public consultation disappear for certain shovel-ready projects. Shazam!

So, for two years only, clever people like me, with great ideas but no tangible support, have the unique opportunity to flip the bird at ordinary people with ordinary opinions.

What's good for you

My list of think big projects for the Bay of Plenty is neatly packaged in a folder labelled ‘Bite Me' and a sub heading ‘What was that? Sorry, I can't hear you, you're breaking up'.

First on the list is, of course a gondola up the Mount with a fabulous casino at the top. Well, not right on the top because that would be culturally offensive. That bit just down from the top will do.

Secondly, while we are over that way, I would like to see Leisure Island rebuilt. This was the sort of thing you used to be able to build before we started being all sensitive and it was cool.

And why did we stop building tall buildings over that way. The bigger the better I say. If you are not casting long, glorious shadows on the beach, you're doing something wrong.

Oh yes! And what was that thing they used to do where they dropped all the ping pong balls into the water at Main Beach and 20,000 people clamoured all over each other to get to the prizes inside? Loads of fun.

Now everybody knows the Tauranga CBD is badly designed – there's poor connection to the water and nobody really knows which bit is the ‘central' part of the business district.

I feel like we should take away the confusion and simply extend the port all the way to the Matapihi Bridge. There will be no confusion then and Wharf St will actually make sense.

The green eyed monster

I have oodles of ideas north and south of the city as well which are shovel ready and so unpopular that they would not normally get approved. But, secretly, the silent majority would like to see these things, I'm absolutely sure of it.

Firstly, why are we mucking around with small and mid-sized Kiwifruit installations. You have to literally drive right past to even see them. It lacks vision.

No, what we need is the London Eye of kiwifruit – 100 metres tall and revolving slowly, with kiwifruit cabins dangling at regular intervals. We'll give it a cool name, like ‘The Sphincter' and people will flock to it in droves.

I've got a bunch of other ideas but there is really no need to discuss them in public.

Visiting paradise

The beautiful irony of this whole RMA conversation is that it is happening at the same time, our Minister of Tourism has asked the relevant experts to 'rethink” tourism with a focus on sustainability.

Here are the exact words: 'We have an opportunity to rethink the entire way we approach tourism to ensure that it will make New Zealand a more sustainable place, enrich the lives of all our people and deliver a sector which is financially self-sustaining in the longer term.”

Basically, we want tourists to come here, we just don't want them to be annoying, hog all the good spots and poop in the bushes.

This kind of tourism has been on people's minds a lot lately, even before the entire industry had to take an enforced break.

It's all about finding ways to explore our country and entertain our visitors while not plundering the environment that the whole shebang is based upon.

So, if you want to go on a charter fishing expedition in the Bay, you have to adopt a penguin first. That sort of thing.

Personally, I just think we should ban vans. Vans are the ugly duckling of the motoring world anyway and the only people who should have a permit to own one are courier drivers and people in wheelchairs.

Sleeping in vans is weird and creepy and is destroying this country.

End of story.

daniel@thesun.co.nz