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Roger Rabbits with |
Rarely would you hear me talk up Gordon Ramsay. Or put him up as an arbiter on anything. Least of all good taste.
Remember he came to town promoting a cookbook and doco and got embroiled in a right old stink.
Legend has it he likened Sir Paul Holmes to Ronnie Corbet. Apropos height, or lack of it. And he called our knight of TV a “tool” after Holmes ribbed and riled him, calling him a “Pom” who knew “eff-all” about rugby.
Great sport – two stars of the small screen, the cook and the comic, clawing each other.
Rude and aggressive was Ramsay’s strategy on his TV show Hell’s Kitchen, and in the process he cooked up a successful global brand. TV audiences loved watching the explosive chef cursing, insulting, belittling, abasing and abusing…in the name of entertainment and ratings.
“My gran could do better, and she’s dead!” sort of thing. And “you’re an idiot sandwich” as he forced a contestant to put slices of bread on either side of their head. Nice!
Just don’t!
However, on one lofty issue of culinary “to do” or “not to do”, Ramsay’s opinion becomes relevant. Because he agrees with me. His word becomes God’s word after famously, or infamously, declaring, “You don’t put (BLEEP)-ing pineapple on pizza”. On that I agree.
End of matter you. You would think…then Stanley Tucci weighed in.
“(Pineapple) on pizza is so repellent, were I to think of it, I might not survive.”
Gosh…so grave, so final. Tucci is famous for his travel docuseries, like Searching for Italy, in which the acclaimed American actor and film-maker, with a traditional Italian name, ate his way around his country of origin. “Bwon-jor-no! – num, num, num.”
Nice work if you can get it. But Tucci did have to push the pizza pineapple to the side of his plate. “It’s just gross,” he said. Then in Iceland, the heated issue was melting ice caps.
President Guoni Th.Johannesson said he would straight out ban the practice if he had the power. A man of discernment. Like Tucci. Like myself. We both like a side dish of honesty and tradition with food. And “sickly sweet” tongue-wrestling with “savoury” is a violation of the senses.
Go have a popsicle
The original pizza was a Margherita. Red, hand-crushed tomatoes, creamy white mozzarella and green, spicy, minty basil. The colours of Italy’s flag. It is that Italian. Divine in its simplicity. No mention of damned pineapple until Sam Panopoulos put it on a pizza in Ontario in 1962. A Greek gentleman, a new Canadian, put a South American fruit on an Italian flatbread and called it Hawaiian.
If you crave pineapple, have a Piña colada, or skewer a piece on a toothpick with a chunk of cheddar and a Maraschino cherry. Or have a popsicle.
Pizza doesn’t need complicating or bastardising.
But hang on! Apparently yes, it does. I was wrong. Hugely wrong.
The question’s been answered, in the affirmative, in the latest very unofficial, and even more unscientific, The Weekend Sun office poll which, every morning, examines the existential issues of our time. The question was: “Does pineapple belong on pizza?” Fourteen votes to six said it does. They agreed with Paris Hilton who “loves Hawaiian pizza”.
Jimmy Kimmel said the poll and Paris were straight out wrong. “Any pizza that tastes better with pineapple wasn’t a good pizza to start with.” Smart man.
Issues of our time
Anyhow, other issues confronting mankind and addressed by The Weekend Sun office poll include the following.
Would a giraffe wear his bowtie at the top or bottom of his neck? I figured the giraffe, like most blokes under a “black tie” dress code for a formal event, would wear it at the bottom of the neck.
Is a hotdog a sandwich? How many ‘chuggas’ before the ‘choo choo’? Would you rather have a permanent wedgie or a headache? Is water wet?
One question is scribbled onto the whiteboard first thing each day to fire the thought processes, before we journos sharpen our pencils, grab our OfficeMax 200-page spiral notepads and go in search of the truth and justice, or uncover crime and/or evil. Noble stuff.
Cry for a statute
It’s good, wholesome, funny, bonding stuff. Even though I was called “opinionated” for expounding on dress codes for giraffes. And “deliberately contrary” when I was the only vote one way or the other on another issue. Why are we re-litigating pineapple on pizza? Probably because it still isn’t in the statutes as a crime against niceness. Or they haven’t come up with a sufficiently cruel and unusual punishment to deter such bad taste and behaviour.
If pizza chains are a measure…Gordon Ramsay, Stanley Tucci and I are dreadfully wrong. They wouldn’t put pineapple on pizza if the punters didn’t want it or like it. But that still doesn’t make it right.
Now, to today’s question. Are the washing machine and dryer siblings, dating, or co-workers? Voting is split at this stage. I invite your opinion, dear readers. Email: hunter.wells@nzme.co.nz