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This story has had a longer gestation than an African bush elephant. Probably two. Because they’re “in calf” for 22 months, and we’ve been squirrelling away a column about job titles for about three years. Interesting and unfathomable job titles.
What do they tell us? Or are they just official speak, industry gobbledegook? This is not a criticism of the people or the valuable work they do. Just a light-hearted look at job designations, or titles.
It all started when an ex-pat Kiwi about-to-be-mum, went looking to buy a pram in London. Not that easy: she would have to make an appointment with a Baby Transit Systems Consultant.
A pram is suddenly a convoluted “baby transit system”. And she would need an appointment to buy one. With a specialist consultant.
Why couldn’t she just go to a shop, choose one, chat with a “salesperson”? Deal done. Thank you Ma’am. Nuh, she would have to “consult” with the BTSC!
Less is best
It got us talking about long-winded, complicated job titles, ones that are mind-boggling to us out there in the jungle.
This one had a young scribe chewing the end of his pencil.
“How can I squeeze ‘Te Whatu Ora in Hauora a Toi Bay of Plenty acting interim hospital and specialist services lead’ into a story?” The supplied 17-word job title was a chunk of his word count in an industry dictated by economy of words. Less is best. And it would be nigh impossible to squeeze into a photo caption: that sentence explaining who and what we’re looking at.
Do we plebs need to know what a title means? Probably not – probably only matters to someone in the industry, to those who need to know. No slight on the bearer of the title of course – no doubt a consummate professional doing wonderful work keeping the region well.
Neil deGrasse Tyson is the scientist famous for making the head-swirling cosmic stuff of astrophysics entertaining and vaguely understandable for simple earthlings like me. His science uses the principles of physics and chemistry to study stars, planets and phenomena. But his name is longer than his title. Astrophysicist – that’s probably what’s on his business card. Got it! He’s a funny man and he had this spin on job titles.
“If you need to invoke your academic pedigree or job title for people to believe what you say, then you probably need a better argument.”
The Squire…
George McGovern, US presidential nominee and South Dakota senator – in itself a bit of a gob full – never shied from cynicism. He suggested “the longer the title, the less important the job”.
Well, mine’s quick and dirty – hack journo. Still doesn’t make me important or a fat salary. Must take that up with The Squire of the Salary Raise or maybe the Potentate of Passable Office Performance?
There was a policeman who must have the widest office door in the enforcement business if it had to accommodate a sign bearing his name and designation.
‘Just words’
Acting Police Commercial Vehicle Safety Team National Manager.
However, the “APCVSTNM” is, was, likely a pivotal police role keeping truckies safe and honest. But he might need a lie down each afternoon from carrying around his job title.
What’s your job? Here’s another couple of curious designations.
Te Whatu Ora Hauora a Toi clinical nurse manager renal – probably self-explanatory. If it’s to do with kidneys, ring them. Or Fire and Emergency manager of community education and behaviour change.
Recently, we asked some interview subjects to explain their job titles. “They’re just words,” one said. “I applied for a job, and the title was part of the package. No idea what it means. I just do my job. I don’t try to live out my job title.”
We also found these in our repository of wordy titles: senior privacy and official information business partner Auckland City Council, Tauranga City Council spaces and places operations manager. Tauranga City Council team leader community waste programmes and partnerships, sustainability and waste. Hamilton City Council deputy chief executive and general manager of venues, tourism and major events.
Who wields the power?
But jobs are more than grandiose words, according to an HR type.
When employers flick through resumes, a clear title sends a clear message about an applicant’s suitability and expertise.
Past titles help future employers calculate a career trajectory and map growth and promotion.
Titles tell people who wields the power, who makes the decisions, which helps when grovelling for a new job and pay rise.
An accurate title is a signal of an employee’s value. It can help when negotiating that new job, and the added bucks you deserve.
What’s important?
Here are some unofficial job titles worth sharing. Perhaps.
“Badass life saver” – it has more gravitas than nurse.
“Crisis co-ordinator” – someone who creates trouble. Or defuses it. Or both.
“Detective Inspector” – for a Detective Inspector because you can’t get gruntier than that.
Marshall Goldsmith, executive coach of renown, put it all in perspective: “Your job title is temporary. How you treat people is what will be remembered.”