Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

We're all going to melt into a steaming pile of global warming guano, according to some alarmist reports this week.

Just because there's a drought, television will have us believe that we'll be surviving on coconuts and mangoes while wearing tea towels on our heads and riding our camels around the dusty, barren tropical wastelands… in just a decade or so.

And because the rain has been a bit scarce this summer, panic-merchants are busy predicting the end of dairy farming, the rise of tropical fruit production and a whole raft of other climate change crises. What bulldust.

Funny, that they weren't trotting out these fantasies last summer, which was one of the wettest on record. We did not see a bunch of wannabe Noahs running amuck in the media telling us to get ready for the monsoons or the flooding.

Just because we've had a hot and dry summer this year does not mean the impending onslaught of rampantly rising sea levels and the demise of traditional crops and farming – nor the arrival of tropical pests.

It's just been a dry summer. Yes, the temperatures fluctuate. They have been doing so for millennia.

We had dry summers when RR was a freckly brat riding his bike up and down Paine Street with a bad haircut. The summers haven't changed that much. Neither have the haircuts.

RR research shows that the general populace, well, the thinking portion of it at least, (both of you) are thoroughly sick and tired of this constant brow beating about climate change. Just get used to it. It will change back another day.

Here is a personal guarantee from me: You will not be trading your family cat for a camel in 2023. (Unless you really want to upset the neighbour's dog).

The constant hype is irritating and irresponsible. Natural fluctuations and trends in temperature and rainfall are normal, some of the patterns over thousands of years. And yes there may be a tiny component of human induced influence – but so infinitesimal compared to nature's own belchings of volcanoes and farting dinosaurs. It's pretty arrogant to think anything mere humans do could make a meaningful change. Sure there are changes. Changes are constant. There's not much new here. The real issue is clouded: that is the limited supply of fossil fuels. It will run out. We should be conserving and looking for alternatives not for fear of supposed man made climate influences, but because they are filthy fuels and a finite resource.

Our advice here: Keep calm and carry on.

Free up the RMA and other red tape so farmers and horticulturalists, the lifeblood of our economy and food supplies, have a smoother path to creating storage and irrigation facilities for sensible, sustainable production. Discourage intensive, purely profit-driven operations that rely too heavily on fickle sources of water and resources and encourage the budgeting of water and feed reserves for the times of drought and other weather extremes.

Stop the townies wasting so much water, so there's more for essential supplies and industry. Encourage more home collection systems, so when the rain does fall, it's not wasted.

Phew, glad we finally sorted that one. So is the camel.

In other news, RR researchers have come up with a cunning plan to Sundayise Tuesdays. Since Anzac and Waitangi are now Mondayised, it's only logical to extend the plan to Tuesdays. Just like racking up the percentage of GST we pay; or cranking up employer contributions to Kiwisaver; businesses can be screwed little by little without even realising it's happening.

Sundayising Tuesdays will mean that when a public holiday falls on a weekday, workers can have Monday and Tuesday off, meaning a four-day weekend.

To make it really work for the people, we will Saturdayise Friday. (Unfortunately Friday ran screaming from the room when we mentioned this, he thought we said circumcise).

That only leaves Wednesday and Thursday. They are both left feeling ostracised.

After that we're going to honkyise the Harawiras so they don't need to run around with racial chips on their shoulders. And then Maori-ise Don Brash, so there's some balance.

Then we are going to gayise straight people, so anyone can marry anyone, anywhere, anytime, including all you single heterosexual males out there whose dream it is to marry two lesbians. Then it will be possible to take a four day honeymoon, provided it falls on one of the Sunday mondayised weekends. And don't even think you'll be capable of returning to work for the following two-day week.

And by 2023, under the promise of global warming and everything-ised, you'll also be able to marry the camel. Now that should be a hump to remember. Afterwards, you can smoke camel.