Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

Plus language that's out of this world

Life is becoming unreasonable for some people. They're finding out that you can't keep women locked up in your basement. Worse, it turns out, you can't keep them in the boot of your car either.

Then, society is demanding some to go to extreme lengths to care for their offspring, with completely ridiculous expectations – such as giving them breakfast. And lunch.
Next they'll be outlawing even the simple pleasures, such as getting rowdy drunk downtown, breaking things and having a decent fight.
Here at RR headquarters we've had to entertain ourselves with the mundane – writing sympathy cards to Aaron Gilmore; a birthday card to the Queen, and a knighthood nomination for Tensing Norgay: the actual first man to climb Everest. We've also been busy visiting Horace in therapy, after his spooky encounter with strange lights and weird craft on Tauranga Harbour last week.
Plus, thanks to much feedback from astute readers, the mystery of Horace's strange night encounter on the harbour, featured last week, may be solved.
He's stopped shaking but has developed a stutter and is mumbling about the mothership beaming him up any day now.

For those of you who have not seen ‘The light', get out of your cosy lounge, give Coro Street the flick and check out the beauty (and weirdness, occasionally) that happens at your back doorstep.
Many people have related similar experiences, including Ross – who reports while investigating a strange hum on a lady's roof in Sherwood Street his Big Jim torch suddenly failed. He always suspected some sort of weirdness but says he's been wary of speaking about it, in case people didn't believe him.
Some readers are finger-pointing to the Navy, who have been known from time to time to run 'exercises” around our coast. They were in the area last week, but details of their activities are sketchy and at time of print, hadn't returned our calls. That tells me something…
It is quite likely the Navy are cruising around doing clandestine stuff along our coastline. They have an important job to keep us safe, and I've seen first-hand how secretive the armed forces can be, when it suits them. And rightly so, when it comes to national security, although they might have met their match when confronted with a confused Horace on a dark night with a 16 inch filleting knife.
All the armed forces are bureaucratic brick walls when it comes to national security.
They conduct secret squirrel missions with all kinds of gadgets and don't necessarily see the need to inform the general populace of their shenanigans. Our role in this is to keep happily paying.

Many years ago, on a far different tour of duty, I witnessed first-hand how even basic information can be 'sanitised” for public consumption. Other theories abound. Among the social media commentary is this astute observation from Hiria Rolleston, who says some unusual lights are waka ama canoes paddling at night in the exact spots reported last week.
'Pretty hard to see the full canoe at night. They have either a single dome light on the ama and sometimes two extra led lights on the front and back of the hull. They are pretty stealthy at night. Classic read, though!”
Thanks Hiria, it probably explains some of those other sightings nearer town, but Horace has discounted waka ama.
The most revealing piece of information came from a caller, Rob, who says the strange shaped hull with the light was most likely him.
He says he was becalmed in the area in a small yacht, and tried to paddle it home with a nav light cluster on the mast top when he capsized.
A long story, but he believes the upturned hull with him standing by the centreboard may explain the oddly shaped vessel seen by Horace.
The eventual righting, with nav lights rising out of the water, may have appeared as a vertically rising light changing colour.
Horace agrees that this could explain some of the strange night's occurrences – but not all. As for the loss of electrical power, Horace says there's a perfectly rational explanation for this.
'The alien mothership must have been hovering overhead and the massive electro-magnetic pulses zapped all electronics within miles. Or it was just coincidence, that my motor controller burnt out at the exact moment my cellphone went inexplicably flat and Rob capsized his little yacht.”

Ewes are awesome
In other news, talent judge Stan Walker is embroiled in the tense atmosphere of the TV3 hit show, The X Factor.
The local lad has proven to be a top judge, but seems to have questionable racial bias. His constant harping about Maori content in the singing contest is wearing a bit thin with the home audience. If a white boy was lamenting the shortage of pakehas doing well, wouldn't all hell break loose?
Stan's also shown he's a keen proponent of New Zealand agricultural performance. How else do you explain his constant stating of:
'Yous are awesome.” We've translated it for viewers at home: 'Ewes are awesome.”
In fact the cringe comment needs to be enshrined permanently in Kiwi culture, alongside 'nek minute” and 'O for Orsum” and 'always blow on the pie”.
Stan also maintains that 'ewes are mean” and 'ewes are wicked”.
This is where we believe Stanley is confused. At the risk of contradicting the singer's vast knowledge of agriculture matters, we'd respectfully suggest he thinks 'rams are mean”.
We base this on the fact that ewes are generally placid and docile; it was a ram that charged our uncle Tony and broke his leg.

Whatever, it would appear those perpetuating this bastardisation of the English language, (often the same people complaining about the apparent mispronunciation of other ethnic languages) are simply following like sheep.
Send us your favourite bastardisation of the language, the best will win a free 'Ewes are Awesome” T-shirt, featuring NZ's icon of language skills and self-appointed agricultural performance commentator, our own Stan Walker; and our highly trained stunt sheep.
Email Brian@thesun.co.nz, Subject line 'Ewes”.
Till next week, beware the strange lights, the humming over Sherwood Street and ewes take care.