Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

This week the Prime Minister refused to take responsibility and apologise for some serious issues in our society.

This is despite repeated calls from the opposition parties for him to front up, as the man in charge, and grovel for everything and anything that has gone amiss in the last century, ranging from the poor showing of our cricketers to the sad ending of ‘Marley & Me'.

Lately he's been expected to clean up the mess left by others, such as dodgy email interceptions, poor dairy hygiene and Peter Dunne turning up with a crooked bowtie.

The Prime Minister is standing firm in his belief that he's not to blame.

'I'm not responsible for Justin Bieber's fringe. Nor will I say sorry for it. Do I look like a hairdresser?” he is rumoured to have stated, in an email that would have been intercepted by the RR hacking team, if we had one.

Ducking for cover

Mr Key has also ducked for cover, claiming he had nothing to do with the death of Phar Lap.

'I wasn't even born when the horse died,” Mr Key probably would have said, if we asked.

The Green Party aren't taking it lying down, seeking an apology from Mr Key for the invasion of France last century and the diminishing amount of jam in the middle of Shrewsburys.

Not letting up

Andrea Vance is not letting up either, saying she's damn angry that her flat white was tepid on Tuesday morning and is expecting a Ministerial Apology for it.

The Prime Minister's office however poured cold water on the idea of anyone saying sorry.

Nor does he feel any remorse for the infamous three-way handshake at the end of the Rugby World Cup. He did say on radio it was 'bollocks” and 'that Frenchman came down on top”. (Really, he said that, we didn't make that up.)

Mr Key is also denying responsibility for putting the Bomp in the bomp, bah bomp, bah bomp or the Ram in the rama lama ding dong.

'The bomps and the rams were instigated during the Clark administration,” Mr Key is likely to have responded. RR research backs this up, our team discovering that the ding dong was clearly Trevor Mallard.

Mr Key is emphatic he will not be apologising to distressed cat owners, either: 'I did not Let the Dogs Out.”

In other news, the US is on a terrorist high alert this week. It's thought Al Qaeda have given up on explosives and pressure cookers, instead focussing on a new way to bring a country to its knees.

Crippling a nation

They're using dirty pipes. After seeing New Zealand's export reputation ruined over night, they figure it's a more effective way to cripple a nation, economically, than simply blowing up a few citizens randomly. Word on the street is, there's a lucrative market for failed dairy technicians with lacking hygiene standards, retraining as terrorists operating under the guise of dodgy plumbers.

US marshall turned terrorist hunter, Willie Fawcett, says they're determined to flush out the dirty pipe perpetrators.

Meanwhile RR researchers have measured the pureness of New Zealand after the discovery of a dirty pipe and declared the country is now 98 per cent pure.

We expect the lost two per cent to be restored as soon as the pipe is dealt with, although the pending visit of Jon Bon Jovi may claim a percentage or two of the nation's net purity ratings.

Parting Shot

In a surprising turn of events, Australia is considering coming clean on some of the Kiwi treasures it has laid claim to over the years. We have unconfirmed reports that the Aussies are thinking of offering us back ownership of the Pavlova, Russell Crowe, Phar Lap (the horse Key denies killing) and Crowded House… if we'll take Rolf Harris.