Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

Spring has fully sprung; summer is sneaking in early and apart from the odd storm, the warm weather is reminding everyone of
that special time of the year:
Strange-shaped vegetable season.
Forget all the Christmas nonsense, the real fun is finding distorted things growing in the backyard.
Probably nothing new in some parts of the Northern Hemisphere, around Chernobyl; but here in the clean, green Bay of Plenty, many of us country bumpkins still get a kick out of finding a weird shaped vege, a rude fruit or a plant that has a stunning resemblance to David Cunliffe. At this point it's probably fair to apologise to cabbages everywhere.
During one of the RR in-depth research missions, one of our astute staff spotted this gem on a certain internet trading site, which fits perfectly into the Strange Vegetable Department: it's been dubbed the ‘Green Dragon Capsicum'.
It sold on Wednesday for $205 with proceeds promised to a Philippine charity for typhoon relief.
Every year, we get calls to the newsroom from gardening buffs with some wacky deformed growths. Some of them have veges and fruit, too.
I guess we'll be opening the floodgates again with this story, so you may as well send in your pictures now. Let's get it over with, and in the next couple of weeks we'll run a sort of mixed veges assortment of your radical radishes, crude carrots and lunatic legumes.
But please, stop the carrot jokes addressed to the Rabbit.
Send your contributions to: brian@thesun.co.nz and include a few details, like your name, the fruit/vege variety and how much radioactive manure you've applied to your backyard in the last year.
Meanwhile, my wife has grown these weird things. I thought there was a freak show going on in the vege patch, but she assures me they are supposed to look like this.
Last time plants like these were seen, the triffids went rampant and took over the world and went on to even greater success; they made a BBC radio dramatisation.
In the book ‘The Day of the Triffids', there are regular questions about the intelligence of plants. Similar to real life, in which we constantly ponder if there's any functioning brain matter among the people who make NZ television advertisements.
If I were you, I wouldn't be taking any chances when you venture to the garden centres this week – take a dose of anti-triffid venom, just in case.

More bizarre news

In other news, Save the Children has announced singing ‘superstar' Susan Boyle is releasing a Christmas single – a duet with…Elvis.
'What?” we hear you cry. How can she sing with Elvis, when he's dead? Well, posthumously, apparently.
Susan told the Sun: 'Duetting with Elvis was beyond my wildest dreams. And now that this is able to raise money and help children is simply fantastic.”
Elvis was unavailable for comment.

Christmas gift ideas, this week's top ten nasty ideas

For those of you struggling to find interesting Christmas gifts for your loved ones, and even for those you don't particularly like but feel obliged (but can't afford a dragon-shaped deformed capsicum), the RR team has some suggestions that may help. But probably not.
The dog moustache. Even if you don't have a dog, or your dog already has a great moustache, someone in the family with a big mouth will love this. As featured in last week's newshound column, these are perfect, even post-Movember.
Jump from plane. You get to throw someone out of a plane. Everyone knows someone who they'd love to see plummeting towards the earth at terminal velocity. Maybe several. Make it happen. Call John at Tauranga Tandem Skydiving.

A farm. The perfect gift for animal lovers: A worm farm. Fun, sustainable and you don't need a tractor. Unless the worms grow really big. Tauranga City Council waste minimisation programme leader Kimberley Cleland says its worm farming workshops have doubled in size in recent years and it has had to increase the number to meet demand.
Worm farms are useful in early childhood education, according to Jodi Purdie, who uses worms in her Porse programme, to instil sustainability ideas in youngsters. RR advice on worms: Don't try milking or shearing them.

An ATM skimmer. I've never owned one, but I hear they're pretty good. A gift to turn a hobby into a lucrative cash earner. Beats windscreen cleaning at the traffic lights; and it's just as illegal.

A nice privet. This will be especially appreciated by those who have allergies. Even better, don't tell them you've planted a surprise bush outside their home. It's a special moment when you see the tears of appreciation welling up on their blotchy red faces!

Fireworks. We just love to hear them all year round. Save up some from Guy Fawkes and give them to someone who will let them off between 1am and 4am, when we all appreciate it most.

Rogue wave. A swell idea. Anyone can have a blow wave, or a Mexican wave; give the gift that will knock them off their feet. A 40 foot roller from out of the blue.

A Novopay system. Better than Monopoly, you can play this game with real money and genuine irate teachers. Give it to someone with plenty of patience and a sense of humour. They'll need it.

A vital organ. Ideal for those you know who are gutless, heartless or lilly-livered. Give 'em one of yours!
Goes well with our chiropractic special for politicians. (spineless).

Tripe and onions. There's just not enough of it around these days. Thrill your summer crowd with some yummy treats. They'll always remember this year as an offal good Christmas.

brian@thesun.co.nz