Community Pulse with Rosalie Crawford Rise Up Tauranga

I was challenged recently to use the term ‘violence in families' rather than the broader term of ‘family violence'. Children can become trapped in a ‘silent terror' of neglect, abuse or psychological manipulation, which erodes away their sense of self – because the one person they relate to and look to for care tries to dominate and control them.

The belief they are themselves responsible for how they are treated, locks them in behind a mirror of numbed silence.

Parental alienation is, I think, the worst kind of child abuse. It involves the systematic brainwashing and manipulation of children, with the sole purpose of destroying a loving and warm relationship they once shared with a parent. Instilling in a child, hate towards their own DNA, (as half is derived from each parent), must be physically as well as emotionally destructive; and the result is a type of emotional auto-immune deficiency.

Children are affected depending on a range of factors including resilience; the amount of support they can derive from other family members, their age, and the predictability of the violence. The festive season can mean difficult, extended family relationships, alcohol consumption and financial pressures, which can place them at greater risk.

How can we as a community help? It's not easy, particularly as a solid cocoon of silence can blank out any signs of abuse. There are often no visible bruises with psychological, verbal or emotional violence. People who shut themselves off from others, are withdrawn, keep silent, melt into the background, keep their heads down and eyes averted; and usually achieve the result of not engaging with others. We're not naturally drawn to withdrawn people. Sometimes they deflect or mask it with a friendly smile. I do. Sometimes it takes intentionally looking out for that isolated person, smiling with warmth, saying ‘hi', and asking ‘are you okay'? They will probably mumble back that they're fine, but inside they'll want to break free, to reach you, desperately, but feel trapped behind a mirror where they can only see out. Because they think it's their fault.

There are great community organisations to help us understand how to connect and help. These include Shine, Jigsaw, 0800 Family Violence Information Line (0800 456 450); and other services that can be accessed at: www.familyservices.govt.nz

To be connected, visit Rise Up Tauranga's Facebook Page or email: riseuptauranga@gmail.com.

Rosalie Crawford is a medical scientist and lecturer. Phone 021 072 8255, email: Rosalie.crawford@xtra.co.nz , Skype: Guavablue, Facebook/Twitter: Rosalie Crawford.