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Aunty Doll would always “feel it in her waters”. It meant nothing to me as a kid – complete mumbo-jumbo!
But this big, full-bosomed mother-of-10 would regularly connect with her ‘waters’, and some weighty family issue would be headed off because of what those ‘waters’ were telling her.
Those ‘waters’, whatever their source, and wherever they swished and swirled, served her well. She laughed and kidded her way through a long chaotic, confused and colourful matriarchal reign. She and her all-wise, all-seeing ‘waters’.
‘Feeling it in your waters’ is having a strong gut-feeling about stuff. It’s a nod to the fact our bodies are 60% water and that we trusted out instincts, our water. We don’t dip our toes, or trust our ‘waters’, so much these days. We just Google stuff.
Last week a friend’s ‘waters’ were like a storm at sea – they were heaving, desperately trying to tell her something as she thrust a promotional flyer at me.
“New Zealand and Australia Face Off for the Best Tasting Tap Water” the headline screamed.
Waste of bloody time
Yes, there’s a Melbourne Cup for thoroughbreds, a Bledisloe for rugby, a Chappell-Hadlee cricket trophy. Now we’re beating each other up over a glass of tap water!
And we know where it will end – if we produce a better drop, those Aussies will do a Phar Lap, a pavlova, a Crowded House. They will syphon it off, bottle it and call it their own – and we will cringe. Again.
“What a waste of bloody time,” said my friend, still huffing over the tap water face off. “Water is water, is bloody water. What a waste of oxygen and energy.” I didn’t realise a glass of tap water could ignite fires? “And you wonder why I get grumpy.” She needs a sip of cool, calming, premium Tauranga tap water from one of our three spring-fed streams.
Of course she loves water. Because water is life.
“As long as it has caffeine, riboflavin, niacin, pantothenic acid, vitamins B6 and 12, taurine, glucuronolactone and guarana in it. And it’s cold and comes in a can!” So she can live without love, but not without water. “Yes, water is my favourite.”
Another friend loves water too – with a tea bag. And another can gargle gallons of pure water as long as it is adulterated with extra hops, citrusy notes, yeast and a malty backbone. So more IPA than H2O.
Paps’ secret
Then just as we are about to drown in our own cynicism and pessimism, a fair-thinking bloke chimes with a case for discerning water consumption.
“Have you ever tasted the tap water in Pāpāmoa?” he asked. No – and the point being? “Well, it’s perfect – clear, clean and crisp. Quite beautiful.” Was he comparing Pāpāmoa water to the likes of $50 per 12-pack of Sanpellegrino sparkling? That’s quite a statement.
Has ‘Paps’ been keeping a secret? Drawn from the Waiāri Stream which flows through a deep ravine outside Te Puke, that water is served up along the Pāpāmoa coastal strip. And as the bloke said, it’s clear, clean and crisp. That alone should drive up the real estate in Paps. “For a comparison, have you ever tasted the tap water in LA,” the bloke said. “[Is] Like it’s been drawn from a swimming pool.” After someone’s sneakily peed.
It’s described as hard water – high levels of minerals and contaminants and a metallic and chlorine smell. Lovely! People use it to shower and clean but filter it to drink and cook. Suddenly, there’s new appreciation and respect for a glass of our local water.
Apparently we’re cavalier about water – promoters of the face-off said most of us turn on taps with little thought to the “complexities involved in operating and maintaining water infrastructure”. Absolutely right. There’s an illusion that it is an endless and effortless resource. And the only time we give a thought is when we turn the tap on and there’s none. And when there is supply we splash it around – endlessly sprinkling the manicured lawns.
Within 21 seconds
Now – how do you judge a glass of water? What’s the criteria? For the ‘great face-off’ a panel conducts a blind taste test for colour, clarity, odour and taste. “Think wine tasting,” they said. “But without the need to spit out.” Still sounds more fun with wine. But for the sake of this story, we won’t spit.
We did our own taste test – less than scientific and proving nothing.
Three glasses of water – two tap water and one “recognised primarily as spring water”. So ostensibly better quality. And five guinea pigs, none with a cultured nose, nor industry training.
Some only “thought” they saw variations in clarity and colour, some thought they whiffed a “smell” and one identified the real McCoy – the spring water. A waste of time, a waste of water.
But a lot of bathroom traffic though. Did you know most mammals empty their bladder within 21 seconds? If it pee-sists, see your doctor.
And to the winner of the ‘great face-off, I will raise a glass and glug – a glass of tap water characterised by neutrality, no odours, metallic or chemical notes, with high clarity and a Paps-style!