Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

The city council's annual plan arrived in my mailbox this week.

We should have most of the wood splinters cleaned away by Saturday and a new, reinforced mailbox capable of receiving such a hefty document, installed by Monday.
The annual plan is no lightweight flyer. This is a serious piece of verbiage that makes the phone book look as unconvincing as the United Future membership list.
The good folk at the council should really warn us the morning they're sending it out, so we can make sure we wear steel cap boots that day, in case it's dropped on a foot.
The 256 pages make for some seriously eyelid-paralysing reading. It isn't helped by the scintillating intro from the mayor, who apart from mentioning how they are throwing $43m at stormwater improvements after May's freakish storm, waffles a bit about prioritising and consultation. Then the killer blow: a black and white picture of the councillors that looks like a school photo from 1962 of the slow learners' class.
It's pretty much downhill from there, and the reader's mind starts wandering as to where and how anyone is supposed to dispose of this doorstopper of a book without appearing rude – or threatening. It's not the sort of thing you can throw out without risking pulling a tendon, or knocking someone unconscious.
You could walk into a bank with this document and the tellers would all shriek 'look out, he's armed with a copy of the annual plan”.
So using my skills and experience as a journalist, I set about painstakingly investigating what this document is really trying to say. And obviously, as any seasoned professional would do, I asked someone else.
'Explain to me, in 15 words or less, what is really in these 256 pages of insomnia-curing flow charts, tables and spread sheets.”
So my learned contacts tried to explain it. Unfortunately I fell asleep somewhere between amortisation and the intangible assets, so the answer is still
anyone's guess.

Now they tell me
Speaking of books, another I stumbled across this week (although not large enough to break any bones) was titled ‘What Makes Women Happy'.
This was quite a revelation, thanks Fay Weldon. For at least 35 years I've been trying to figure it out by trial and error; now they tell me there's a book. That could have saved men a lot of pain and anguish over the years.
I had no idea they came with an instruction manual. Turns out, it's quite bit more complicated than we first thought. The fact it takes a whole book is a bit of a clue; we thought the information might have fitted into an A4 leaflet. Apparently not – there's 230 pages. Any blokes out there also wondering, give me a call. I haven't read the book but I've looked at the pictures.

Nice work, Robbie
We've decided it's time to recall Robbie Deans, now his mission is complete.
Sent across the Tasman to do his best to stuff up the Wallabies, Deans has been more or less successful, so we're extracting him for another mission.
Most Australians, still blissfully unaware that Deans was a double agent working for the Men in Black, think he actually was trying to help make the Wallabies successful.

Steam in the kitchen
In breaking news, celebrity chef Nigella Lawson is calm in the face of news her husband, squillionnaire Charles Saatchi, is set to divorce her – which leaves Nigella free to profess her undying love for Wanaka camp ground manager Keith Waddell.
Nigella's publicists have been battling for years to keep the lid on the steamy details of the downunder lust connection.
The Sun's confidential sauces* report the super celebrity cook can't wait for Keith to start licking her beaters.
Something of a whiz in the kitchen himself, Keith is looking forward to putting a bun in the oven. 'Sure to rise” is the Waddell motto, although Keith stresses it's not in an Edmonds kind of way.
There are unconfirmed reports the ‘Domestic Goddess' can't wait to get on a plane and check out Mr Waddell's credentials down under.

Famous last words:
'Nah, no-one will notice if our party numbers drop below 500”. And…'Nobody will know where the leak came from”.

*Coming soon, our new range of ‘Reliable Sauces and Chutneys.'