Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

This week's column is a bit short.
Our office twerking lessons have been running overtime, impacting on the available rabbiting and rogering opportunities.

The hardest part about successful twerking at the office is keeping a straight face. As my coach says, there will be no smirking while you're twerking while you're working.
For those of you not fashionable enough to have discovered twerking, it's a kind of dance move that involves, basically, a lot of shaking of some well-toned rear cheeks. Although there's a rumour David Cunliffe can do it with his front cheeks.
Also be aware that if you're white, you are not considered a desirable twerker. A TV report this week confirmed what we've always suspected: Twerks are best left in the domain of large-booty black American women. Apparently you can say this on television and not be considered racist. I'm assuming therefore I can write it in a column and not be judged racist either, but then, there's always another standard for white, middle-aged, heterosexual tax-paying males.
The message for the great majority of us with pasty white, uncool backsides: Stick to planking.
And speaking of quivering backsides, Grant Robertson is putting his on the line along with a bunch of other hopefuls, seeking the leadership of the Labour Party. This will be interesting …oh no, hang on, it's not. We don't really care. So let's get back to other news…

Twerk 'n sniff
We've found that twerking goes a lot better after a sniff or two of butane. In the news this week it was reported that the attempts of up to half of those trying butane inhalation (known as ‘huffing') result in death.
That explains the fate of the misguided and ineffectual Mr Huff – a Tauranga city figment of someone's imagination – who succumbed to inhalation of his own propaganda a few years ago.
The fresh warnings about the dangers of huffing caught us by surprise. I nearly dropped my canister when I heard it. Since when has it been dangerous to inhale volatile hydrocarbons into our lungs to poison our bloodstream and fry our brains, ending in death for every second person who tries it? Who would have thought! Next they'll be trying to tell us car surfing and milk products derived from whey are dangerous.
We have a simple message here: Please don't do it. We need enough gas left to make a cup of tea in the morning. I've always said camping is dangerous. All those sharp ground pegs and guy wires to trip on; wild animals and now, poison lurking among the cooking utensils.
Safer communities together.
Get a motel.

Botulism botch up
Meanwhile, some of our family was rumoured to have botulism this week. The whole house was quarantined and our street cred rated nil in the neighbourhood. Then it turned out, it was just a head cold.

Post-humous
In other news: A slightly surprised postal union bloke was discussing the looming job losses in the mail service. The postal union man says it's very hard for employees to comprehend the cutbacks.
Huh? How could you seriously not see this coming?
How could anyone working in the snail mail industry not possibly anticipate that the relentless onslaught of email, and before that, the facsimile machine, not be a threat to your job?
Even the social media diseases of twitface and twatbook are clearly taking the place of the prehistoric industry of writing a letter, sealing an envelope, licking a stamp and physically sending it, with up to a week or more delivery time.
Mr union man, you cannot seriously tell us that posties and postal workers had no idea there would be erosion of their employment options. You, sir, need to get a haircut and a real job.

Blame Hamilton
A guy on a television ad says if everyone switched to energy efficient light bulbs, the country would save the same amount of power that Hamilton uses in a year.
I have a better idea. Hamilton people should stop using power, then the country would save the same amount of power that Hamilton uses in a year. Hamilton people are just being selfish and not thinking about the benefits to the country as a whole.
They're using the same amount of power the rest of us could use if we kept using the cheap old bulbs.
Shame on you, Hamilton.

Parting shot:
Good luck to the Labour Party in finding a new leader. There are some special qualities required for a politician of this calibre. Basically you need a character larger than life, are a know-all, and above all else, can irritate large masses of long suffering public with everything you say and do.
I hear Mr Huff isn't doing much these days. brian@thesun.co.nz