Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

Away in a manger, bash up a stranger

Warning: there's not much cheerful in here. Don't read on, unless you have an overdose of happy that needs curing.

Great to see the Christmas spirit evident around the streets of the city, as drivers work themselves into a seasonal frenzy; showing their goodwill for fellow man by cutting them off, failing to indicate, tailgating and flipping the bird.

The concept of ‘Merge like a zip' seems to have been replaced with ‘Skewer like a turkey'.

It seems a bit pointless to have a celebration of Peace on Earth when it actually equates to more stress, putting financial and physical demands on families, while temperatures rise and tempers fray.

The vision of Christmas and the holiday season being all jolly with joyousness and glee, like in the Santa cards and the Claus propaganda, is in reality, tiring and stressful for a lot of people.

The police have appealed for drivers to take care and stop having 'silly” accidents, after a spate of vehicle crashes – many single vehicles that have spun, rolled, run off the road, smacked into poles or missed the bend and crashed through fences.

One driver who wasn't taking the message lying down, was pulled over in the city after being caught with a king size mattress on the roof of his car – secured only by his and a mate's hands out the window. Oh yes, there's a rocket scientist around every corner.
Jane Nees has a great solution in this edition of the paper: Get on the bus. Here at RR we agree. If you are too tired or inconsiderate to indicate, get on a bus and the driver will take care of it for you!

It's not just holiday season pressures on the road that seem to boil over.
One bloke this week, in the holy suburb of Bethlehem, really excelled in the ‘Peace and love to all mankind' theme, by bashing another bloke with a cricket bat, while the victim was eating pizza on the roadside.

'Hark, the herald angels sing, beaten to a pulp in Bethlehem.”
The fast food outlets should be asking if customers: You want contusions and haematoma with that?”

Meanwhile the ‘merry' has been cruelly taken out of Merivale, with the tragic loss of a decent citizen. Our condolences to the family and the good people of the suburb.
Even Maketu, the laid back coastal settlement, has been rocked to the core with a shocking death. We know the majority of you are good people and we hope an answer can be found to end these senseless acts of violence.
If only the ‘goodwill to all' message extended everywhere in the community, and on our roads. Christmas might be the happy and relaxing time we read about in the brochure.
If you must find someone to persecute this festive season, seek out the three wise men who decided it was a good idea to dig up the intersection of Cameron and Elizabeth in December, and subsequently paralyse Tauranga's central shopping district for the 12 days of Christmas.
That is true genius.

Whoa, that's enough wrist slashing doom and gloom.
For some balance, here's some festive mirth to cheer you up. Even if it is regurgitated rabbitings.
Some custom-built Christmas carols from back in 2008…

A Carol, Holly ... and other friendly girls

From RR archives: Gerry Brownlee has seen the light and the government has overturned the ban on conventional light bulbs. So Kiwis can now make up their own mind whether to use the more energy efficient types.

We new blokes in Parliament are,
Finding lightbulb laws quite bizarre,
Incandescent or fluorescent,
Glowing like yonder Star.
(Chorus)
O, bulb of wonder, bulb of might,
Bulb with mercury danger alright,
Bradford's misleading, we're not proceeding,
Guide us to alternative light.

A kayak trip north ended at the Coroglen Tavern, one of our favourite après-kayak watering holes.
We'd seen an advert in the local rag for the 'Last stock sale of the year, with Lovely Ladies” and thought, cool, we can hang out with the local yokels and enjoy a bit of live music.

However rocking up to the bar, it quickly became apparent that it wasn't going to be a couple of ‘quiets' and a wholesome country meal. Nor was it the locals 'hanging out.” Because the farmers and stock agents were celebrating their Christmas wind-up for the Coroglen saleyards with a livestock show with a difference: A couple of raunchy strippers. I won't be able to look at a pool table quite the same again.

Away in a manger, at the Coroglen pub
A navity scene with two girls in the nud.

The stars in the bright sky
Looked down where they lay
stretched out on the pool table
More moral decay

Then there was a great discussion about which bottle of liquor to give Mother in Law for Christmas. No one could decide, so she's getting the lot. Which reminded me of the lovely traditional carol:

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,
Falalala lala la la
Let's get grandma off her trolley
Falala lalala la la la

I remember it well, from my time in South Auckland while at journalism school, I lived next door to the Falalas and they used to sing it a lot. Finally, this from 2008 but still a valid thought for today:

'Twas the night before Christmas and forty below
When Al Gore discovered carbon wasn't his foe
The world's not warming at a horrific rate
In fact it's been cooling since nineteen ninety eight

Christmas bells those Christmas bells
Ring out from the land
The world isn't warming quite as bad as we thought
And 'carbon footprint” is merely a rort

Gore had CO2 dead in his sights
He had half the world convinced and really up tight
Then it was clear the science didn't stack up
And wealthy carbon traders had sold us a pup

Christmas bells those Christmas bells
Ring out from the land
Earth warms and cools of its own accord
And it's got stuff-all to do, with man

Parting shot:

Santa Claus has announced he's enlisted help from the Aussie cricketers. He's heard they're experts at sledging.