Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

On the day NZ gained membership of the UN Security Council, one of the major news stories exciting Kiwis was not that we'd been accepted as a responsible and contributing partner to keep the world safe from evil; rather that Heidi had replaced Elle as the ‘front person' for Bendon.

I hope you appreciate use of the term front person while describing a bra model. I put a lot of thought into that and am quite pleased with the result.

More perplexing, among the headlines on the same day, the news that NZ has a unique and independent voice and that we can make a positive difference to world affairs was obscured with the shock revelations that skinny mannequins had been dumped by leading fashion store Glassons. This, after complaints they looked underweight and their ribs stuck out. The mannequins were not an acceptable representation of real people, the protestors argued. Glassons issued an apology to customers for the 'unattainable depiction of women”.

Now on your behalf, I have selflessly undertaken extensive research into the body shape of Heidi Klum, one of the world's top real models.

In the course of this arduous and sometimes distressing task, I discovered a lot of photos of Heidi on the world wide web. In many of these her ribs are showing. So here we have not only a real person, but one of the world's top models, representing Bendon, a leading lingerie brand and one of NZ's outstanding business success stories. Bendon dumped Elle, to take on Heidi, whose ribs sometimes show.

Far be it for me to have an opinion on the body shape of Ms Klum. But it would appear she has attained the unattainable. I cannot see that you can allow mannequins to be fired for supposedly showing too much rib, while accepting that a real model can land a ‘plump' job such as the Bendon deal. This is outrageous double standards. Of course to really get a grip on the Body Mass Index of Heidi, I'd have to personally assess her physique close up. I'm sure my wife will agree to this, as it would be purely in the interests of good journalism to experience the Klum midriff first hand.

Counselling dummies
Here at RR we are devastated for the skinny mannequins. They cannot help that they are under weight. They were made that way. Just as if this happened to a real person, they'd have a case for unfair dismissal and discrimination based on body shape.

We've set up a support group and a shelter for the skinny mannequins, because they'll now be out of work and homeless. They will the subject of ridicule and ribbing.

Out on the street, ousted by bolshy, bigger mannequins that a prominent NZ newsreader would probably describe as ‘big heifers.'

Career ahead
Our orphanage for Skinny Mannequins will feature retraining programmes. Since they are no longer allowed to display clothes, we've identified some career options for them, outside of the fashion industry.

Such as the Skinny Mannequin Coat Rack. What better welcome home, to be greeted at the front door by a thin waif of a model, ready to take your coat, hat and sunglasses.

The cricket season is about to start. We can always do with more wickets. A couple of twiggies would be perfect. Gives a whole new meaning to leg before wicket. Howzat!
Other potential careers for circumference-challenged dummies also includes acting as seat fillers for those wanting to drive in the bus lanes of some cities, where you need passengers in order to reap the privilege of the lanes. Being skinny, these models take up less room in the boot when they've finished the bus lane task.

They'd also make great tomato stakes or bean fences, those ribs would give the climbing plants something to get a grip on.

When Megafatload is extradited, six skinny mannequins will be needed as counterweights in the Southern Hemisphere to offset the lard redistribution, to keep the world spinning in equilibrium.

We could use one of the out-of-work mannequins to replace any local councillors who suddenly decide, despite being elected to office in a costly and time consuming process calling on the goodwill and trust of the ratepayers, that they don't want the job anymore because the baubles of another office seem too appealing. The mannequins are ideal, we'd just replace a political opportunist with a spineless dummy.

Escort mannequins
Schoolboys without a girl for the school ball or other dates, will be pleased to hire one of our Escort Skinny Mannequins. Being smaller and lighter than a standard mannequin, they are easier to dance with, and due to their genetics, their fathers are less likely to be burly, bearded, gun toting Neanderthal type mannequins from the sporting good section that will make trouble for you, when you bring the Skinny Girl Mannequin home later than the dictated 11pm curfew.

We're not stopping at counselling for the skinny mannequins, either. Another victim of this dog-eat-dog fashion world is Elle MacPherson.

Now out of the Bendon deal, we offer Elle a shoulder to cry on. Just don't lean too hard, we are not used to big chicks.

Have a safe and happy Labour Weekend and don't take any ribbing.