Roger Rabbits with Jim Bunny

Funny old Uncle Anthony. Silly old Uncle Anthony. “What a ning-nong!” as Aunty Dolly would say. He’s just unscrewed the lid, red or yellow, on that hoary old Marmite versus Vegemite stoush.

Australian Prime Minister Anthony Norman Albanese, the ‘one term wonder’ – that’s what Ozzie pundits are picking – could have been, should have been, magnanimous in winning the ‘meaty, yeasty’ Vegemite-gate battle with the Canadian food police, and just let it go.

But no! Dignity in victory, or defeat, is not the Aussie way. They lose bad, and win worse. Because in gloating to Australia that he’d got 8000 jars of Vegemite back on the shelf in an Ontario café after food regulators pulled the stuff because of non-compliant added vitamins, Mr Albanese fired a cheap shot at a fine Kiwi institution.

“Rubbish,” he called Marmite. “Rubbish.” How rude! How disrespectful of this could-be, soon-to-be, leader of an opposition party. Because in smearing a fine Kiwi product, a Kiwi icon, Uncle Tony just possibly alienated many tens of thousands of Kiwis who are now card-carrying Australians and have been enfranchised for 2025’s Australian federal election on May 3.

Marmite-eaters Uncle Tony! New Zealand-born people who are now permanent residents across the Tasman doing God’s work gentrifying Australia. Will that work ever be finished?

‘Marmite’s rubbish’ 

And when they enter the polling booths this weekend, and the marker pen is hovering over Labor or Liberal, they won’t be pondering policy on migration reforms, housing, the cost of living or kangaroo culls. Oh no. They’ll remember, with outrage, the “Marmite is rubbish” comment. They’ll vote with their taste buds.

And on their ballot, they could well daub their support for campaigning opposition leader Peter Dutton with a big finger smear of Marmite – that gloriously distinctive, intensely salty and savoury yeast extract spread. The God-given one with a velvety smooth and sticky texture and lingering, almost beefy, concentrated soy sauce, undertones. Does that paint the picture?

As opposed to the other with the stronger, slightly bitter, yeasty flavour with a thicker, more spreadable paste-like texture.

That’s how elections can be fought, and lost. Insult Marmite and you insult a nation. We Kiwis are a finicky, fastidious and fussy lot who believe Marmite is Vegemite for the sophisticated, the discerning. And we are what we eat. Which is mostly Marmite.

Because some less than scientific and slightly dodgy polls show Marmite beats Vegemite in the popularity stakes – between 51% and 55% of consumers opting for Marmite. A close thing – but still a win. Just like one underarm delivery can win a cricket match. And destroy détente.

No fence-sitting 

Some stats are much clearer. In 2022 it was reported Foodstuffs, which owns New World, Pak’nSave and Four Square supermarkets, was selling twice as much Marmite as Vegemite. Game, set and spread.

Silly as it is – the issue still divides us. Like Trump. Like rainbow crossings. And Treaty Principles Bills. And you can’t be a fence-sitter. You might be a person who can live without poetry, music and art, but you probably can’t live without Marmite. An amalgam of all four would be heavenly – a slice of toast smeared lovingly with Marmite while reading Percy Bysshe Shelley, while gazing on a Vermeer, while listening to Wagner’s ‘The Ring Cycle’. A total place.

But here are those happily trapped in a void of neutrality. My office go-to was blessed enough to be born into a Marmite family, married a Vegemite bloke and hates both. “I have got through life very well with neither.”

In Christchurch there’s this innate “first four ships” snobbery which demands locals to ask which school you went to. Your answer determined whether they wished continuing the chat.

However, I came from a hardball town where Marmite and Vegemite defined us. It kind of set people apart. Catholic or Protestant, Labour or National, soccer or rugby, Marmite or Vegemite. It created division.

An issue that divides 

For breakfast we’d have toast slathered with Marmite, if poorly we were given a glob of medicinal Marmite, or a Marmite hot drink. Then there’d be globs of Marmite to oomph up the gravy or casserole for dinner.

But we also knew of people down the road, who were quite different. People said they dressed funny, voted Social Credit and ate Vegemite. Why did that matter? It just did.

In the interests of a fair spread – here are some Vegemite endorsements. “Don’t know why Aussie shops stock Marmite. Just buy the real thing.”

“I will happily eat a spoonful of Vegemite. Don’t understand people who only stain their toast with it.”

“Comparing Vegemite to Marmite is like comparing Mike Tyson to Jake Paul.”

Is it? Pass the Marmite while I figure that one.