This week, after exhaustive research, we've uncovered a crisis in the retail sector.
This may come as a shock to many, but it seems that the majority of us don't know which way to swipe.

This crisis has been looming for millennia. Since the dawn of time, the problem of which way to swipe the credit card has been a thorn in the side of homosapien shoppers, and even some of the straight ones, for centuries. It is responsible for the arrested development of several branches of humanity, which explains Australians.
Even back in the days of paradise, when Eve breezily announced to Adam she was just popping out for a few hours to check out the sales at the local branch of the fashionable 'Fig Tree” chain, Adam groaned.
'There goes the credit limit,” he thought to himself; then busied himself with the task of figuring out how to head-straddle the unicorn without causing serious organ injury.
'Take an extra leaf, darling, it looks a bit chilly out there today,” Adam mused as he thought about how the fig leaves seemed to get smaller every year – yet the prices kept going up.
And sure enough, as Eve passed through checkout with her sale bargains, she was befuddled by the diagram on the eftpos machine.
'Which way is the stripe supposed to go?” she asks the long-suffering checkout girl, who also admits she can't work it out, either.
Even the ancients had their issues. Caesar is reported to have had trouble with his card.
Slogan: 'Don't leave Rome without it.”

The other way round
Now, thousands of years later, humanity is still wrestling with the stripe issue.
Some have been so traumatised by the dilemma of ‘which way to swipe' that they are in counselling.
The proper medical terminology, which we just made up for the purposes of this column, is
plasdyslexia; the confusion of which way to wipe the plastic card. Fear of not knowing which way to swipe would have to be Amexedupaphobia.
This ailment can also be mistakenly identified as CS – common stupidity. Sometimes, plasdyslexia and CS can manifest themselves simultaneously, concurrently, together at the same time and all at once.
Either ailment spawns a corresponding condition, among retailers and checkout operators, as Repetitive Swipe Information, from constantly having to get customers to hold the card with the stripe on the appropriate side.
There are entire institutions full of twitching former gas station attendants, rocking back and forth in the foetal position, chanting 'swipe the other way around, swipe the other way around”.
Here's an idea: Why can't some smart eftpos machine inventor come up with a unit that can read the card on either side? Surely all it takes is the same scanning hardware on BOTH SIDES of the card reader slot?

My week
The other big news is that it's Brain Awareness Week. At first glimpse I thought it was some sort of personal tribute, Brian Awareness Week. Which is a logical sequel to the movie, The Life of Brian.
But no, due to a typing error us Brians have been left out of the celebration. Jeez, even the Heathers get to have a convention.
So Brain Awareness Week it is, then.
You can register at www.brainweek.co.nz and grow your brain.
A word of caution here, check your head-size in case your brain is already at full capacity, or there could be a nasty mess.

Greenies
Meanwhile, we've just endured yet another meaningless day of celebration, this time St Patrick's Day – which is another day that has been hijacked by those trying to make a fast buck. Just like Guy Fawkes, the Melbourne Cup and Easter, it's more about sucking in consumers than genuinely marking any sort of day of remembrance. As with those other occasions, most people ‘celebrating' have no idea of what it's really about.
Running around in green like a leprechaun pissed on Guinness seems like a pretty pathetic excuse for a party, or to dodge some work or other meaningful activity.
If they really wanted to celebrate something of consequence in Irish lore, why not take a leaf from the IRA's book. In fact, roll St Patrick, Guy Fawkes and Melbourne Cup into one: Blow up a horse float.
Also this week, we've had some ‘feedback' from my friends the motorcaravaners, some who've not taken too kindly to being categorised in last week's RR (supermarket trolley etiquette) as slow, lane-hogging ditherers. Other motorvan drivers were more concerned of being accused of voting for Winston. Overall, though, the pilots of the Motorway Maggots have generally taken it all pretty well as it was intended: A good-natured bit of fun. Thanks for your calls, the feedback is appreciated.
Now pull over and get out of my way.

Last word:
This motorcaravan name, spotted on the highway near Waihi:
Adventure before Dementia.