Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

It's a strange world we live in. Every day there are stories that just leave us gobsmacked.

Jack Sparrow is apprehended on The Strand while waving his sword at Hairy Maclary and crew. (SunLive).

Then there's the case of 500 cows missing from Ashburton. So either it was alien abduction, or they've been stolen.

Since all aliens are vegans and dairy free (and they always tell you) that probably rules them out. No motive.

I can believe stories about thefts of beehives, copper pipe and the welcome sign on the outskirts of F******, Austria… (Rhymes with ‘booking' remember) but how do you explain the disappearance of 500 cows? Where could they be hiding? Brace for the puns, we're going to milk this story for all its worth. Can this be real, or is it a load of bull? Farmers are going to have to beef up security.

If you steal a herd of cows, then try to sell them in a paddock, can you be accused of fencing stolen goods?

Mooving right along…

A couple of years ago, I found six cows.

Or rather they found me. They'd busted out of a paddock and crashed through the bush and camped at my place. It took a few weeks to get them evicted. Farmer John was pretty slow to collect, until I mentioned I was heading out there with a steak knife set, a bulk pack of gravy mix and printed instructions from Google on 'how to butcher a cow.” Funny how the recovery plan then took on some urgency.

In the meantime they partied on the lawn, chomped through anything chomp-able and stomped ten years' worth of native plantings into pulp. The point is, six cows were pretty obvious.

I'm pretty sure a herd of 500 would be even more conspicuous. How the hell you hide them, is beyond me.

People, keep a close eye around you for anything suspicious.

Such as the sudden appearance of 500 cow pats per hour on your lawn. Or the slightest movement in the flower garden.

It could be Daisy and friends.

Don't go buying any cows from a guy at the pub, unless you're sure they're not stolen. Beware of any deals with 'free cow” as an incentive.

Be suspicious of anyone trying to pass their cow off as something else, such as a Dalmatian or a black and white guinea pig. You'll should be able to tell the difference between a Dalmatian and a Friesian. Count the number of stomachs. The Dalmatian should only have one.

If you see a large guinea pig with a yellow tag in its ear, or chewing cud, take a closer look. It could be Daisy in another clever disguise.

Digest this

Meanwhile, a story from Papamoa thanks to Rosalie. A resident posted an urgent plea to borrow contact lenses. A friend visiting from Auckland had left her lenses in a glass overnight. Someone else in the house accidently drank them. I guess they won't be very reliable cow spotters.

Clam calamity

‘Ming' the ancient clam was recently declared the oldest living creature.

Wonderful, except researchers had to kill it to find out.

Researchers in Iceland discovered the really old clam in 2006.

They opened it up to count the rings around the hinge ligament. Initially it was estimated to be 407 years old, but they didn't count very carefully and recently it's been decided Ming, named after the Chinese dynasty ruling at the time it was born, was actually 507 years old.

Turns out, they could have counted the rings on the outside of the shell, and Ming would still be alive, and the oldest known living animal on the planet. They're now claiming the clamshell will give more information on climate change. Let's hope they don't screw up that by a century.

Signs of pollution

The scourge of election signs are everywhere again.

It's that time, every few years, when you are somehow expected to miraculously know, simply from seeing a cheesy mugshot and a smug slogan, which of the candidates would make a good community leader.

The message here is: Don't bother to read about them in the local paper or personally meet any of these people. No.

Make your entire local body voting decisions based on which of them you remember from a ramshackle collection of tacky billboards.

Or, you could take the RR recommended action: Vote only for candidates who refuse to clutter our roadsides with inane election hoardings.

Again we are inflicted with the eyesore of election signs. This guy sounds like a right menace. Don't vote for Finger Trap. Or his running mate, Toe Jam.

Here's one hoarding we spotted this week. I strongly urge you not to vote for Mr Trap. He sounds dangerous and unpredictable.

Round 'em up

That's all for this week. Take care out there and be on the outlook for stray bovines.

There's a secret number of them hiding throughout this edition of the Sun. Tell us the correct number and go in the draw to win a couple of prizes.

http://www.sunlive.co.nz/the-weekend-sun.html

Email editorials@thesun.co.nz with your total in the subject line. Eg: 'Cows 16” and correct answers go in the draw.


brian@thesun.co.nz

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