Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

If you see some strange lights in the sky on Saturday night, don't panic. It's not an invasion from outer space or the return of disco.

It's the coastguard putting on a demo for us, so we can help to learn the difference between flares and ordinary stovepipe trousers.

No, sorry, I got the wrong sort of flares. These are the whoosh-up-in-the-sky sort of flares... The kind that wet, cold, scared sailors let off when they're sinking, in imminent peril, or running dangerously low on rum. Mind you, that last category is hardly likely to garner support from fellow boaties, who are more likely to come to aid another boatie if they believe the rum supply is plentiful.

So anyway the coastguard will be firing off these demo flares at set times from Sulphur Point, and two positions a mile offshore; north of Moturiki (the island formerly known as Leisure), and off Papamoa.

Astute readers will notice that there is no flame as the flare goes up, unlike a sky rocket. Only someone standing directly underneath may see any glow as the flares are fired.

Once they reach around 300 metres high, the flares will burst into a bright red glow and drift downwards under a small parachute.

Unlike a Chinese lantern, the flares do not rise or waft along in the wind. And they will be intensely bright red, not a flickering whitish-yellow.

The coastguard urges folk ashore and on boats to be aware of the demo flares. And if you see one outside of the test times, it may well be a genuine emergency. So any other time you see this, take note of the exact time, your position (a landmark) or even better, a GPS position and the direction it appeared, ideally a compass bearing. Ring the cops on 111 to report it. (More on this, inside this paper).

In a genuine emergency, the more sightings reported mean emergency services can triangulate the eye witness reports to get a good position of the flare source.

Meanwhile, if you see strange lights in the sky at other times and are sure they are not distress signals from imminently endangered seafarers, you are probably seeing fireworks, Chinese lanterns or aliens.

Since it's long overdue that public sale of fireworks to be banned, and the fire hazard Chinese lanterns are surely to be outlawed, it's most likely the strange lights are the aliens. Good luck telling them they're banned. I'd rather take on breastfeeding mothers or cyclists in protruding lycra in cafes, than try to convince a superior race from another galaxy that they're not welcome here. Clearly they don't know about John Travolta, or they would warp speed off to another solar system, if they had any class.

It's quite likely that the aliens are nearby. According to some theories, they abducted the cows from Ashburton. Now the cows have apparently been found, it seems the aliens, who are astute readers of this column, knew their cover was blown and returned the allegedly stolen cows.

One thing we can be pretty sure about, any lights in the sky won't be Amelia Earhart coming into land, she is about 900 years overdue from a flight in the Pacific. Latest theories on her disappearance surfaced in the media this week, claiming there's evidence she crash-landed on a remote island and survived for quite some time before she perished there. Luckily for Amelia, she was probably dead before ‘Night Fever' came out.

If the aliens had any sense, they'd be doing their invading this Saturday night, while the coastguard flare demo is happening. That way they'd be cleverly disguising their assault on the Earthlings under cover.

They may have heard we have rum.

Editor's notes:

This week's challenge

We had a heap of great entries in last week's ‘Lost Love' challenge, with plenty of readers finding Colin's hidden hearts. Some great love poetry emerged from some keen poets.

Here's one from Prue Jarvis:

Leopard and chocolate spots you should neither see,

A Christian, a conservative, and a billionaire is me,

Shop ‘til you drop,

I'll pay for the lot,

If only you, Rachel, become my queen bee.

And this from Peter Strachan:

'My following contribution to Colin's love messages is not my original, but the message does seem appropriate somehow:

No matter how big your troubles may be

And your rewards be few

Remember that the mighty oak

Was once a nut like you

Prue and Peter are this week's winners, a Sun beanie is on its way to you both. Thanks to all our loyal readers who participated.

This week's challenge: Tell us which of these three things are the most vital pieces of information the Police would like to know, if you see a real flare over the sea:

1. Your position.
2. The exact time.
3. The direction (ideally a compass bearing).
4. The song on the radio at the time.
5. The skipper's cat's name.
6. Your postcode.

Send your entry with the three correct numbers and ‘Flare test' in the subject line, to: editorials@thesun.co.nz and go in the draw for a Sun beanie.