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Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz |
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First-degree nonsense called off indefinitely
This is to inform you that Guy Fawkes has been cancelled this year.
This may come as a disappointment to all you pyromaniac arsonist animal terror fanatics, but you'll soon find something else destructive and pointless to entertain your feeble minds, such as pulling the wings off butterflies or making farty noises with your hand under your armpit. The rest of the population – reasonable-thinking and considerate citizens – have decided the indiscriminate vandalism with fireworks by private individuals and amateurs is banned until further notice. And don't hold your breath. This likely to be an ongoing policy. The decision has been made in lieu of any government in the last few decades having the balls to stand up and do the right thing. Also, if Mr Fawkes was alive today he'd be the first to call it off, citing several better options other than arson, to get your point across. This week we travelled back in time in the Rogers Rabbits Time Machine to interview Mr Fawkes. He confirmed that there are many better methods to make a political point; including organising a hikoi to Parliament, writing a Letter to the Editor and mounting a clever social media campaign. His message to the year 2016: 'Blowing the crapeth out of letterboxes with gunpowder is so 17th Century.”
Not sustainable
Meanwhile, back to today... and it's clear amateur fireworks have had their time. And as much as I hate the cliché, spend some 'quality” time with your family, whanau, children and pets; play games and read stories; visit some oldies and do a good deed or two. Give the flaming fireworks the flick. Injury, destruction, noise pollution and general mayhem from amateur fireworks each year runs into the millions in total cost of repair and rehabilitation, fire-fighting…along with the pain and suffering of victims and torment of pets. Then there's always a mess, a residue of burnt-out containers, bottles, cans and litter. It's not a sustainable activity for anyone the slightest bit concerned about greenhouse gas emissions. Right-thinking folk have decided to call it off and go watch a proper display at Baypark. Had the rest of the population shown any sort of responsible attitude towards the annual fire fest, the outcome could have been different. But year-on-year a sector of the community have proven they are well incapable of this. If any other activity in society caused as much carnage as fireworks stupidity, it would immediately be outlawed, cordoned off, assigned special Police checkpoints and otherwise slapped down. Other threats to the safety and peace of the nation that have been legislated against or stomped out: Indiscriminate use of guns. Driving drunk. Driving fast. Dangerous geographic features such as glaciers and cliff edges. Wobbly viewing platforms and dodgy decks. Rugby players who beat up people. Bitey dogs. Dog owners who don't clean up after their mutts. Any other cruelty to animals such as calf ill-treatment and caged hens. Yet for some reason, until this fireworks cancellation, we've put up with numbskulls burning themselves, burning others, blowing up property, setting fire to foliage, furniture and property, waking entire neighbourhoods in the small hours at any given night throughout the year; causing pets distress and livestock to bolt; create false flare sightings, noise, and littering of public spaces and road frontages. By 2014 ACC had paid out more than $1.5 million for more than 3200 claims. Last year firefighters responded to twice the number of calls than the previous year. Kids ended up in Starship with serious injuries, an adult severely burned in Kawerau, a rocket went under a house in New Plymouth and set it alight, and nationwide hundreds of emergency calls were made for blazes involving trees, hedges, grass, rubbish bins. People have lost eyes, limbs, vast areas of skin, and spent untold time tying up essential emergency services and hospital staff and resources.
Here are the Fire Service safety tips, which had they been followed, we may not have needed to cancel Guy Fawkes:
• Read the fireworks' instructions. Be careful to follow the manufacturer's instructions when using them.
• Light your fireworks in a wide-open area. Keep away from anything that could catch fire.
• Fireworks and alcohol/drugs are a dangerous combination.
• Always let an adult light the fireworks.
• Keep a bucket of water or a hose handy.
• Keep all unlit fireworks in their box or bag until you are ready to light them.
• Leave dud fireworks alone. Trying to relight them is unsafe.
• If you do get burned, hold your burn under running water for 20 minutes.
Think about others
• Put away the fireworks after 10.30pm.
• Keep your pets inside on Guy Fawkes Night.
• Point fireworks at the stars, not at your mates.
'Think about others.” Hmm, there's a piece of advice sadly lacking from many areas of New Zealand society!
RR Tips for a better fireworks night:
1. Soak fireworks in warm water for the day before lighting. They go so much better.
2. Use an LED light to set them off. It saves on greenhouse gas emissions and helps save the planet and halt climate change.
3. Skyrockets. Dig a deep hole. Put them in. Let off under a bucket of wet sand.
4. Watch your fireworks blindfolded. The increased darkness accentuates the glow.
5. Donate to the SPCA to gain 'animal torture credits”. Just like greenhouse gas emissions, it mitigates your burden on the planet!
6. Hold your breath for the duration of your fireworks session. You'll see more little darting lights as your brain (if it actually functions) shuts down and you'll expire knowing you contributed to the general betterment of the gene pool.