Diesel Rogers Dining with Diesel www.sunlive.co.nz

I have been lying awake at night trembling with fear about when technology would catch up with me.
Not only do us street legal punks have to put up with devices implanted in us, there's potential to have our every movement logged with a tracking system.

Soon us bird dogs could be superseded by robot retrievers.
I should warn the geeks of the world though with the immortal words of my great mate Yogi Bear (with slight amendment): ‘I am smarter than the average dog' and like Yogi in Yellowstone Park, officially keeping his domain clean, I do the same thing, and the story goes like this:
I've been flat out on my official duties as Picnic Inspector at a certain Te Puna park. I tell you, the pressure has been enormous. So many picnics, so little time. The boss has been pre-occupied; fixing boats and other paraphernalia that litters the lawn. This does not make chasing the Ginger Bastard across the yard and up the ponga tree easy as you've got to hurdle the remains of his old boats and dubious inventions.
At least while he's busy fiddling with his boat bits I am able to sneak out the front lawn and cruise the fertile foraging grounds of the Te Puna West picnic tables.
Marking the spot
It was going well until the boss decided to trial his portable ‘Spot' GPS. This is a gadget that some boaties, trampers and other outdoor enthusiasts use to track their location and provide an emergency position if they get in trouble.
When he mumbled about getting Spot to accompany me on my jaunts, I thought he'd invited the Telecom dog along for a walk.
But no, I'm fitted with a blinking personal tracking device that divulges my every move.
Darn! Busted! Here I am, stealthily going about my Personal Dog Business and the Boss has me tracked and plotted on Google Earth.
You just can't get away with anything these days.
The whole world could potentially tap into the Spot GPS system and view all my visits to the neighbour's compost heap, Dick's fish filleting station, and every logged trip the council picnic tables on the reserve (some of them repeatedly).
I couldn't even take a slurp from the fish pond without it being broadcast via the worldwide web to every corner of the earth – complete with times and locations logged with GPS co-ordinates.
Interesting though, the boss discovered that I don't actually get far these days. In fact, a two-hour nap under the avocado tree in the driveway is my preferred adventure – and you never know when one is going to fall off the tree. Bonus!
Dangerous times
Isn't all this secret spy tracking a breach of privacy? What if the information fell into the wrong hands, and by some chance, some terrorist hedgehogs could predict my whereabouts and likely route? I could be ambushed.
Worse, it probably has given out vital navigational information, especially on the exact locations of every bone I've buried in the backyard in the last seven days.
Imagine that conversation in Cat Headquarters.
‘Commander, we have a position coming in. Bone deposited at 37 degrees, 40'48.63 South, 176 degrees 10'18.73 East, at an elevation above sea level of 4.2 metres. One portly operative on a lone mission.'
‘Roger that.' (Funny how all cats on the radio are called Roger?)
‘Send in the Elite Ninja Assault squad.' (Leader Code named: Ginger Bastard).
I would be toast!
Still I guess I could always push the SOS button and the Coastguard could airlift me out. Not quite how the guys at Steve's Marine envisaged the Spot being used, but hey, any port in a storm, I say.
Ah the perils of modern technology. I've never needed any gadgets to tell me where I am. But then, I guess having a nose that is 10,000 times more sensitive than a two-legger's is a good start.
One thing is for sure, I don't need any satellite guidance to find the best meat deals in town, my inbuilt tracking device just points me down Cameron Road to Gate Pa, and into my good mate Johnny the Aussie butcher boy's shop, the place where no bone is sacred.

Honey chicken
Ingredients
4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1 can tomato soup
¾ cup honey
2½ Tbsp vegetable oil
2½ Tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 Tbsp lemon juice
1½ tsp prepared mustard
2 tsp Tabasco or other hot sauce (optional)

Method
Combine all ingredients (except chicken breasts) in a saucepan and bring to a boil over medium heat, stirring occasionally.
Reduce the heat to low and simmer, uncovered, for five minutes.
Place chicken breasts on barbecue (pre-heated to medium). Baste with sauce. Turn the chicken once and baste the other side with sauce. Barbecue until cooked through. The sauce is also good on ribs and beef.
(Recipe may also work with ducks - last reported location, 37o40.02 S; 176o 02.59E.)
Alrighty my good people, I have to go as I can hear something beeping. It is either the micro-wave or the bloody thing attached to my collar.
Take it easy out there.