Carol Stovold Quality Kidz qualitykidz.co.nz

'I'm Sorry” – two little words that carry so much meaning – or so little.

They can be used for seeking forgiveness or simply a token gesture that requires nothing in return as a cultural politeness. So if these too little words can portray so much or so little, is it any wonder that we confuse children about how and when they should say sorry?

Being able to understand what sorry means, if used for seeking forgiveness, we first have to learn about empathy. We need to understand that to empathise with someone, we have to not only understand what they are feeling, but also to understand what we would feel like in their situation or circumstance. It requires us to consider that other people think of themselves in ways that are both similar and different to the way that we do – and that they also have emotions.

Children who are empathetic tend to do better in school, in social situations and later on in adult life. They are aware of the social graces of when to use 'I'm sorry” and the differences between being sorry for an action by taking responsibility for it and being polite.

Discovering feelings

As parents and early childhood teachers, we first have to understand that toddlers, who are very egocentric, will be intent on discovering who they are and their own feelings. They are not ready to comprehend that other people have feelings too. By the time children are about four years old they begin to associate their emotions with the feelings of others. They may begin to comfort other children who are hurt with a hug. The capacity to put oneself into another's shoes doesn't usually develop until a child is six or seven.

Teaching empathy, however, begins in infancy – by how the adults around young children treat them and others. Infants learn through observing how their parents and other adults react and usually by the time they are showing an interest in other children, you can begin talking about how other people feel. Remember though that the way you show your empathy can be more important than what you say.

This natural capacity for empathy needs active encouragement from parents and adults who interact with young children in order for it to continue to develop. Younger children tend to have the emotional ability rather than a cognitive ability to pick up on another child's feelings and match them with their own when they are beginning to display empathy.

Fine line

It is a fine line that we walk though in teaching children the contradictory notions of safety and empathy. Children need to learn to be both wary of other people and aware of other people's feelings.

No wonder very young children can be confused when adults demand that they say ‘sorry' for an action, when they really have no way of comprehending what sorry is let alone how and when to use it.

Next week: Tips for teaching empathetic behavior.