Carol Stovold Quality Kids qualitykidz.co.nz

Parenting is hard; there is always something else to remember to do, something else to teach your children, something else to be concerned about.

Is it any wonder we tend to pay less attention to recognising empathy than to other types of behaviours?

A child who is learning empathetic behaviour can sometimes be negatively affected when parents only respond to bad behaviour (like hitting another child) rather than praising behaviour parents do want (like sharing toys).

Enforce the positive

Teaching empathy follows the same patterns and guidelines to encouraging self discipline and managing behaviour. When you see children displaying empathy to others this is an ideal time to step in and enforce the positive behaviour you do want to encourage.

An example of this might be the child, who seeing another child distressed, will give them a hug. A great response to reinforce this empathetic behaviour could be by saying 'I noticed how you gave your friend a hug when they were upset. It must have of made you feel good to help her. It made me feel good to see you do that”.

Giving them the tools or words to describe the behaviour and associated feelings enables them to begin to understand the concept of empathy and support for others. Enabling them to understand their behaviour can also make you feel good, encourages them to repeat the behaviour.

This importance of providing children with the words to describe feelings is clearly seen when children have complicated feelings they can't label, such as frustration or embarrassment. This occurs when children laugh instead of showing concern when others do something that may have resulted in them being hurt. They can't understand what another child is feeling – not because they might not have felt that emotion, but because they haven't yet labelled the feeling. Helping children to understand emotions by naming them and providing words for experiences they encounter will help them increase their range of understanding human feelings and how to best respond to other's feelings.

Lead by example

Adults can also encourage children to be empathetic by being honest about their own feelings. A child who sees an adult and particularly a parent, experiencing a powerful emotion will wonder what is going on and why. By age four or five, they may be asking questions or expressing concern. Saying something like, 'I'm crying because my friend is sick, even though I am unhappy, it makes me feel better to know that you are concerned”. This type of reaction is honest and explains how their empathy is helping you. We should never be slow in saying sorry to children either. 'Will you forgive me for getting angry with you earlier? I was being selfish and demanding when I yelled at you. I was not considerate. I was rude and I am sorry for my bad behaviour.”

What you are teaching a young child by being honest with them, is that empathy has meaning and value. When those close to us are extremely distressed, empathy is sometimes the only thing we can offer. Whenever we do so, we express one of our best human qualities.

Next week: Positive parenting