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Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz |
Just as new car manufacturers upgrade their models every year or so, our politicians have been facelifted and re-marketed in an effort to win favour – in their case, the upcoming election. Here's the latest line up of models:
The Key Cruiser
Top rating model, so quiet yet developing more power as it puts on the miles. Unlikely to be superseded in the near future. Preferred by the Americans, the Aussies and the British. Oh, and the Kiwis.
Especially popular following in the tracks of the discontinued Clark Claptrap.
Now overtaken all other models in its class and currently touring the world.
The Brownlee Bus
Not cheap to run but plenty of volume and once it gets momentum going, it's unstoppable. Often mistaken for the Michelin mascot. Probably could do with a better braking system considering its on-road capacity. Nicely appointed kitchen and well stocked bar in the rear.
Ryall's Royce
Smoothly polished, sumptuously-appointed. Wins styling accolades with impeccably chosen fabrics. Always set off in immaculate pin striping. With the classy looks, a strong performer on the road.
Bridges Beach Buggy
Some say it will eventually supersede the Key Cruiser, at the moment it fills a handy role as a run around at the bach. Quick and effective at getting places and getting the job done. Seen regularly in the mornings parallel parked with its hauntingly beautiful yet strangely threatening nemesis, the smoking hot Jacinda.
The Holden Hone MkII
Also known as the Holden Out-My-Hand. And the Holden On (for special treatment). Runs rough and is notorious for unexpectedly veering off course. Not much improvement over the MkI despite the marketing hype.
Looks like it is under own steam but has a few bros pushing from behind.
Race performance: Makes every trip a race issue.
Watch for hand signals – usually palm-up, demanding need for handout rather than direction indication. Should not be allowed on public roads, although perfect for demolition derby.
Unlikely to let your honky girlfriend/boyfriend go out in it.
Restricted colour range: Only available in brown.
The Bennett Benefit Mobile
Classic people mover. There are a lot getting a free ride on this one. Been round the block a few times, but still a nice ride. Over responsive to control. Large, volatile airbags.
The Tariana Tourer
A good reliable old jalopy, but lacking in self propulsion. Has been taken in tow at high speed recently as a trailer to the Key. Still struggling to keep up, and depending on the outcome of the hill test in October, might find the hitch connection and safety chain disconnected at the top of the next passing lane. Difficult to know if it will have the horsepower, or the handling, to alone negotiate the steep bits; or the chicane at the bottom.
The Sharples Lowrider
A souped up old pickup, done a few tough miles now but still good for a few more. Carries a spare tyre or two but gets the job done. An honest toiler compared to the Hone and rides well in tandem with the Tariana.
The Brash MkII
Still plagued by the same old idiosyncrasies as the previous Brash roll out. Pitched at the top end of the market, but taking plenty of flack from the low end and copping a lot of comment from the green brigade. Often toots out a similar tone which could be why the Hone freeloaders consider it a bit honky.
Corners nicely and sidesteps even better.
The Douglas Dawdler
A vintage chugger that has really never got a head of steam up since the earlier model, the Rogernomic Special. Spent a bit of time in the pits after a laboured run with old-school versions of the Prebble, Lange and Bassett.
The VW Goff
Hailed as ‘the people's car' by a few; touted as the answer to the Key, but failed to rank highly despite reaching high revs, a lot of noise and a fair bit of smoke. Rumoured to be destined for crash testing after October.
The Hughes soft top
Some say it's a convertible; although it's currently marketed as a straight sedan. Runs better in the early hours. Smooth engine, but some say they can detect a slight pinking.
Other critics have drawn comparisons with similar handling marques, even going so far as to say it's derived from the Carter Classic, a rear-engined exhaust pusher which was discontinued a few years back after a series of nasty rear-endings and tail pipe mishaps. Popular in Ponsonby, but never caught on in Whangamata.
Norman Hybrid
Complete with pedals and wind turbines, it's the latest in the eco-friendly, low emission range, with a raft of changes since the hapless days of the jaunty Fitzsimmons, which was relegated to the scrap yard some years back. Certainly looks like a smoother performer but the drivetrain is still based on ideological, untested and fanciful theories.
Lucky it wasn't completely demolished by an out of control Bradford Blunderbus which was determined to get in front – but crashed and burned without collateral damage.
True to purpose, the Norman remains decidedly Eastern Bloc in style and source
of some parts. Secretly wishes it was a bus, train or bicycle.
The Rolls-Rodney
Lost somewhere in the slipstream of the Brash MkII. Still trying to look sharp in distinctive yellow livery and finished with a polished chrome top. Drops a valve, and a partner, every so often and still prone to frequent backfiring.